Re: Evidence of God -- RELATIVITY

On 10 Nov 2003 02:07:24 -0800, [EMAIL PROTECTED] (Bob Crowley),
Message ID: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote in
alt.atheism;

>stoney <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote in message news:<[EMAIL PROTECTED]>...
>> On 7 Nov 2003 18:18:28 -0800, [EMAIL PROTECTED] (Bob Crowley),
>> Message ID: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote in
>> alt.atheism;
>> 
>> (snip)
>> 
>> >This is a 21 st century allegory for someone riding a subway train. 
>> >One has to use the vernacular language if one is going to Win Atheists
>> >and Influence Heretics.
>> 
>> You forget most U.S. based atheists (small 'a' unless it's the first
>> word in a sentence) were once theists.  In the main, who were of one or
>> more of the xtian sects.
>> 
>> You also don't consider that, according to all other xtian sects, *you*
>> are a heretic.
>> 
>> What will convince others your deity and sect is correct is concise
>> definitions and objective supporting evidence.  Otherwise, there is no
>> reason to treat your particular fantasy as anything other than it is.
>> Below puts it in a 'nutshell.'
>> 
>> /quote
>> 
>> Kissing Hank's Ass
>> A parable by Rev. Jim Huber. Now available as a pamphlet.
>>  
>> This morning there was a knock at my door. When I
>> answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely
>> dressed couple. The man spoke first:
>> 
>> John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
>> Mary: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
>> Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why
>> would I want to kiss His ass?"
>> John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if
>> you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
>> Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
>> John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank
>> owns this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what He wants is to
>> give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss his ass."
>> Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
>> Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million
>> dollars?
>> Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
>> Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
>> John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
>> Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
>> Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
>> Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
>> John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
>> Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
>> Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the
>> money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
>> Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the
>> million dollars?"
>> John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year,
>> and I'm sure she got the money."
>> Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
>> John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
>> Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've
>> never talked to anyone who got the money?"
>> Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll
>> get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a
>> twenty-dollar bill on the street."
>> Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
>> John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
>> Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
>> John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And
>> remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit of you."
>> Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight
>> from him..."
>> Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
>> Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
>> John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other
>> times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
>> Me: "Who's Karl?"
>> Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
>> Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
>> Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank,
>> that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
>> John:  "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining
>> the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
>>   
>> From the desk of Karl
>> 
>> 1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars
>> when you leave town.
>> 
>> 2. Drink only in moderation.
>> 
>> 3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
>> 
>> 4. Eat right.
>> 
>> 5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
>> 
>> 6. The moon is made of green cheese.
>> 
>> 7. Everything Hank says is right.
>> 
>> 8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
>> 
>> 9. Don't use alcohol.
>> 
>> 10, Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
>> 
>> 11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.  
>>  
>> Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
>> Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
>> Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's
>> handwriting."
>> John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
>> Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
>> Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
>> Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of
>> philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're
>> different?"
>> Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
>> Me: "How do you figure that?"
>> Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough
>> for me!"
>> Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
>> John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides,
>> item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and
>> item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone
>> knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
>> Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2,
>> and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain
>> wrong."
>> John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As
>> far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for
>> sure."
>> Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of
>> rock..."
>> Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out
>> of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
>> Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was
>> somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not
>> knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
>> John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know
>> Hank is always right!"
>> Me: "We do?"
>> Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
>> Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the
>> list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated
>> it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than
>> saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
>> John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come
>> around to Hank's way of thinking."
>> Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
>> Mary: She blushes.
>> John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else
>> is wrong."
>> Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
>> John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
>> Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
>> Mary: She looks positively stricken.
>> John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of
>> any kind are wrong!"
>> Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it
>> would be out of the question?"
>> Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la
>> la, la
>> la, la
>> la la."
>> John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat
>> that..."
>> Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
>> Mary: She faints.
>> John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I
>> wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll
>> be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you,
>> you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
>> 
>> With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
>> 
>> * Older versions say "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory
>> that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not
>> knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese." Several people
>> have written to say that the current theory is that the Moon did indeed
>> come from the Earth. I've finally gotten around to making the change.
>> 
>> http://www.jhuger.com/kisshank.mv
>
>Actually the historical precedent is as follows -
>
>"
>Me (Stoney): 'Well, actually I don'thave to kiss Hanks's ass at all!'
>
>John and Mary:  'Huh!  Why not??'
>
>Me (Stoney): 'Because I'm His Son, and He told me to tell you He's
>sick of your game of 'Kiss Ass'.'
>
>John : "Here, I'm not sure a charge of heresy lies against you"
>
>Mary : "Yeah, we crucify people like you.  Wrecks our entire setup,
>see, and we don't want any wise guys around here.  When you got a good
>racket going, you stick to it."
>
>Stoney insists he really is Hank's Son, so in the end Stoney Rascal
>Master gets crucified.
>
>John & Mary: "Wait till we tell Hank about this!  Bloody cheek! 
>Thinking he's going to wreck the whole reason for the town's even
>existing."

(shakes head sadly)
         

   
             Stoney
"Designated Rascal and Rapscallion
               and
          SCAMPERMEISTER!"

When in doubt, SCAMPER about!
When things are fair, SCAMPER everywhere!
When things are rough, can't SCAMPER enough!
/end humour alert

alt.atheism military veteran #11
{so much for the 'no atheists in foxholes' rubbish}