EVA'S CHOICE - By Patrick J. McGoran

EVA'S CHOICE
By Patrick J. McGoran
([EMAIL PROTECTED])
1     

     Eva pressed the button on the intercom, for a moment she wasn't
sure anyone was going to answer, but then someone did.
     "How can I help you" the voice said.
      "I need a place to stay" replied Eva. 
     "Well come on in then" replied the voice.
      Eva had never had to stay in a hostel before, and she was
feeling quite nervous about it (though she would not admit this to
herself). When the buzzer rang to open the front door, it gave her
quite a start. But she was also relieved, knowing that soon she would
have a bed to sleep in and sanctuary from the outside world.
     The lady at the front desk seemed kind. She asked Eva her name
and date of birth. Then she brought her into an empty room, and told
her to sit and wait until someone was free to do her intake.
     This building smells like a church, thought Eva. She sat there
trying unsuccessfully not to remember the small town she had left
behind, the people she had loved, and the parents who had betrayed
her. Everytime one of her more painful memories would start to
surface, Eva would begin to think of something else. Sometimes she
would think of the few ‘good times' she had had in her life, sometimes
she would fanaticize about all the different ways she could have
killed her father, and sometimes she would focus on trivial things
like her favorite TV shows or who she thought was the cutest actor or
musician. At this particular moment Eva was thinking back to a week
before she had run away, when she had gotten drunk with her best
friend Margaret. No more best friends, no more school, no more nothing
Eva told herself. Just then she heard a voice.
     "Hi Eva I'm Dan" said the man in the doorway. "Are you hungry, do
you want something to eat?"
     "No thanks" she replied. 
     She hadn't had anything to eat all day but she didn't think she
could stomach anything right now anyways.
      "All right then, come with me and we'll do your intake" said
Dan.
     The tall man with the long black hair led Eva down a little hall
way and into an office. He sat down in front of a desk, and motioned
for her to sit across from him. After she sat down, he began to ask
her questions.
     "I guess this is your first stay at Covenant House Eva" he asked.
     "M hm" she replied.
     "It says here that you're seventeen, is that correct?" 
     "M hm" she mumbled again. 
     "Is there anyone who, we should contact In case of an emergency?"
     "Nope." 
     "Are you taking any medication, or do you have any medical
conditions?"
      "Nope."
      "What religion should I put down?"
     "My family is catholic" she said.
     "Than I guess all these statues and paintings we have all over
the place don't bother you" asked Dan.
     "No not really" she answered. 
     "OK Eva, how long do you plan on staying here" he asked. 
     "I hadn't thought about it" she said honestly.
     "Well some people stay here a month or more and some people only
stay for a few days" said Dan.
     "Oh" said Eva "do I have to decide that now?" 
     "No, you can discuss that when you get a contact worker" said
Dan.
     "What's that" she asked. 
     "A contact worker is someone who you make contact with twice a
day, and they help to make sure that you're following your plan" Dan
told her.
     "My plan" she asked. 
     "Well, here at Covenant House, we make sure that you have a plan
to get yourself into a better situation" Dan explained."Whether you
want to work, or go to school or whatever is best for you, we'll make
sure that you're working towards it."
     " Oh" said Eva. 
     She wasn't too sure how she felt about this whole ‘plan' idea,
but at the moment, all that really mattered to her was getting some
sleep.
     Dan explain to Eva that in order for her to be allowed to stay at
Covenant House, she had to accept certain rules. The rules seemed
pretty basic, no drugs or alcohol, no psyical contact with the other
residents, and be in every night by ten.
     "Of  course if you break any of these rules you'll jeopardize
your shelter" Dan cautioned.
     He asked her to sign a piece of paper stating that she agreed to
and accepted the rules. After she signed the paper, he took her ID and
went and made photo copies of it. Then he brought her back to the room
she had been in, and told her that someone would be along shortly to
bring her upstairs so that she could get some sleep.
     After a few minutes, a short brown haired woman in a fuzzy
sweater arrived.
     "Hi Eve, my name's Connie" said the woman. "It's really late, you
must be tired eh."
     "Yea" Eva yawned back.
     "Well there are no single rooms available right now,  so I'm
gonna put you in the TV room for tonight, and we'll get you settled in
by tomorrow night OK" said Connie.
     "OK" said Eva sleepily. 
     Connie led Eva to a stair well, and up the stairs to a room
filled with pillows, sheets, blankets, and towels. After she was
loaded down with bedding materials, Connie brought her into another
room, gave her a hairbrush and a toothbrush, and asked her if she
needed any tampons. Eva said that she didn't, but Connie suggested
that she take some just in case.
     Finally Connie brought her into the TV room. 
     "I hope you don't mind sleeping on a couch for tonight" said
Connie.
     "No that's O.K." said Eva, not really thinking about much but
going to sleep.
     "Well, you have a good sleep kid, someone will be by to wake you
around seven" said Connie, and with that she left.
  Eva neatly placed the sheet she had been given on the couch, tucked
her one bag underneath, put down the pillow, lay down, put the blanket
over top of her, and closed her eyes. As she lay there, she couldn't
help thinking of how truly alone she felt, but at least she was out of
the cold.

2

     "C'mon hun, it's time to wake up" said a huge bear of a woman who
was shaking Eva into semi-consciousness.
     "Ugh, what" she moaned. 
     Eva hated mornings, she hated the uncomfortable couch she had
been forced to sleep on, and she definitely hated this big fat bitch
who was unrelentlessly dragging her out of her slumber and into the
dismal reality of the cold February morning. Couldn't they at least
turn on the damned heat, she thought to herself.
     "OK hun, ya got forty five minutes to take a shower and get
downstairs for breakfast" said the mongrel.
     "Yea OK" said Eva, and then the woman left.
     Eva went into her bag, she took out one of the three outfits she
had brought with her and her make up kit. She laid her clothes and her
make up kit down on the couch. Then she got undressed, wrapped herself
in the towel she had been given, grabbed her toothbrush, and left the
room.
     After an awkward attempt at obtaining directions, from a rather
skeletal looking young girl, Eva found her way to the shower room. She
stood in line for the shower, trying to ignore these loud, rude,
aggressive, naked girls, arguing with each other, and accusing each
other of being the biggest slut, whore, or crackhead in the place. She
was amazed at how much these girls seemed to be imitating characters
they had seen in the movies or on TV. Finally she got her turn in the
shower. Eva closed her eye's and let the lukewarm water run all
through her long dark brown hair and all over her naked body. She was
relieved at the fact that she soon would feel clean and fresh again,
though she knew that she would never feel truly clean and fresh.
     After her shower, she found her way back to the room where she
had spent the night. The first thing she noticed was that her make up
kit was missing. Then she noticed that her bag had been tampered with,
and when she examined the contents, she found that her walkman was
missing as well. This is just about all that I can take, she remarked
to herself. But of course, she got dressed, grabbed her bag, and made
her way down stairs for breakfast.
     Eva's stomach was growling, and it didn't quite seem that stale
cereal and dry toast would satisfy her, but she had no choice. She sat
down at the first unoccupied table she could find and began spooning
up her cereal. She kept her head down trying not to make eye contact
with anyone, and hoping that no one would try to speak to her, but she
had no such luck.
     Within a minute, Eva had been joined at the table, by a rather
well groomed young boy dressed in expensive looking sports regalia,
with a gold tooth, and wearing a baseball cap turned sideways with the
tag still on it.
     "You new her ain't ya" he said in a rather contrived sounding
accent.
     "Y' smoke rock"  he asked. 
     "Fuck off" she retorted rather loudly. 
     "A'right, a'right, chill babe, I'm jus' sayin' if ya need
anything come ta me an' I'll hook ya up, a'right" he said waiting for
her response.
     "Don't you know what it means when someone tells you to fuck off"
she said.
     "Coo'" he said finally, and walked away from her table. 
     "Don't worry about Bullets, he's all talk" said the friendlier
sounding female voice of a girl who was sitting down next to her. "I'm
Shawna, what's your name" the girl asked.
     Eva told her her name, and they immediately struck up a
conversation about how much they hated this place and the ignorant
people who lived here.
     "Did you just get in to Toronto" Shawna asked. 
     "Yea I just got off the bus last night" Eva answered. 
     "Oh yea, where'd ya come from"  Shawna asked. 
     "Petersburg" answered Eva. 
     "Oh, where's that" asked Shawna. 
     "Oh, it's just this little armpit town outside of Kitchener" Eva
told her.
     "Oh yea I know where that is, my dad used to go to some
Octoberfest thing there an' get all drunk ‘n' eat sausages" said
Shawna kind of mockingly.
     "Yea" Eva said, and in a minute they were both laughing.
     Eva knew right away that she and Shawna would become good
friends. From what she gathered, Shawna was sixteen years old, she had
been kicked out of her family's house in Mississauga a few months
earlier for refusing to attend school. It seemed Shawna had enjoyed
her stay on the streets of Toronto, and had come to Covenant House or
‘Cov'' as she called it because the winter weather had made it too
cold to sleep outside. Eva had never even considered that anyone could
enjoy being homeless, but from the way Shawna kept going on about
Queen St. and all night ‘booze cans' and all the cool people that she
knew, it seemed like a regular blast.
     Eva and Shawna talked all through breakfast, they talked all
morning in the TV room (which had a rather tense atmosphere, scince
all the kids wanted to watch the TV, which wasn't allowed to be turned
on until four PM), and they talked all through lunch.
     Although she felt appreciative, Eva was somewhat repulsed, by the
flavorless meal of macaroni and small patches of burnt cheese she had
been served by the Cov' kitchen staff.
Shawna told her that it had been left over from the previous nights
dinner and that the food was usually better. Eva thought to herself
that the thing that she would miss most about living at home would be
her mom's cooking. It seemed that no matter how bad things would get,
Eva's mom was always able to whip up a good meal. Food seemed to be an
escape for Eva's mom, which probably explained why she had put on so
much weight over the past couple of years. Eva was glad that she
didn't share her mothers weight problem, but at this moment she wished
that she had stuffed her face on all that good food while she still
had the chance.
     After lunch was a over, a Cov' staffperson came up to Eva and
Shawna and informed Eva that she was to be available tomorrow evening
at seven so that she could do her assessment with Susan who was going
to be her contact worker. He than scolded Shawna for neglecting to
make her morning contact and told her that if she did not hand in a
new job search form by her evening contact,  she would be given a
thirty day card.
     "What's a thirty day card" Eva asked Shawna. 
     "It's nothing, it just means that you can't come back for thirty
days" Shawna casually informed her.
     "But where would you go" Eva asked, feeling suddenly very
concerned.
     "Probably Rendue House or a squat" Shawna said as if this was all
routine to her.
     "Huh" Eva responded not quite catching the meaning of Shawna's
words.
     "Well Rendue House is another shelter just a few blocks from
here, and you know what a squat is right."
     "No" said Eva as if Shawna were discussing a completely foreign
concept.
     "Well a squat is just an abandoned house" said Shawna. 
     "Oh" Eva responded while she pictured Shawna sleeping on the
floor somewhere in a house with no light and no electricity.
     "Anyways, I've gotta go fill out this stupid job search form and
maybe pan a little, I'll see ya at dinner OK" said Shawna.
     "OK see ya" said Eva, and then Shawna was gone.
     Eva didn't quite know what Shawna had meant when she said that
she was going to "maybe pan a little" but she suspected that it meant
begging for money. Oh God what have I got myself into, she thought to
herself, this was almost as bad as living at home. Eva wanted nothing
more than to put her headphones on and slip away into the dark and
dreary sounds of one of her favorite tapes, but of course some bitch
had stolen her walkman just that morning. So she had nothing to shield
her from her misery, except her misery itself.
     Finally she found a book shelf, and spent the rest of the
afternoon reading a book about a ghost trying to reclaim his fortune
from beyond the grave by haunting his beneficiaries. Shawna had not
arrived by dinner time, so Eva continued to read all through her
boring tasteless meal.
     After dinner a Cov' staffperson named Lisa showed her up to her
new bedroom. After Eva had made her bed and put her things away she
was told to leave the room and go back downstairs. According to Lisa,
besides nighttime, the only times that she would be allowed into her
room would be for room access for five minutes after lunch and dinner.
    When she got back downstairs Eva saw Shawna at the front desk
doing her contact. She went into the main hang out area of Cov' known
as the great hall to wait for her. After about ten minutes Shawna came
and sat down beside her.
     "Where'd ya go at dinner, weren't you hungry" Eva asked. 
     "Yea but I was too red, they woulda caught me fer sure" was
Shawna's distant response.
     "Whadda ya mean red" asked Eva not sure that she wanted to know. 
     "I went and smoked up with my boyfriend dummy" Shawna responded
in a silly and playful tone of voice.
     "Oh, who's your boyfriend" asked Eva. 
     "Well everybody calls him Nirvana cause he kinda looks like Kurt
Cobain, but his name's Chris, he lives at Turning Point" Shawna told
her.
     "Oh" said Eva. 
     From what Eva could gather Shawna had fraudulently filled out her
job search form. Then she had met up with her boyfriend and they had
begged for change together until they had enough money to go to
someplace called the Green to buy Marijuana. According to Shawna, she
and her boyfriend had smoked up in a place called College Park, then
went into a mall and had sex in the washroom. Eva considered Shawna's
whole story to be repugnant and degrading. She could not understand
the way Shawna was bragging about having herself defiled in a public
washroom. Still, Shawna was Eva's only friend in the whole city, and
Eva genuinely liked her.
     Shawna asked Eva to come outside for a cigarette. Eva had tried
smoking before and didn't particularly like it, but she had been
cooped up inside all day and this was at least an excuse to get some
fresh air (even if it would be tainted with tobacco smoke). Once they
had reached the front steps Eva and Shawna sat down for their smoke.
     There were different groups of kids standing together smoking
cigarettes, and Eva made a conscious effort not to make eye contact
with any of them. Shawna opened her pack and took out one cigarette
for herself and one for Eva. Eva took her first drag with trepidation,
but by the time she had smoked the cigarette halfway down she felt
genuinely relaxed and was looking forward to her next.
     "So why'd ya run away from home anyway Eva" Shawna asked. 
     "Oh you know the usual reasons" Eva said dodging the question. 
     "No c'mon tell me" Shawna insisted. 
     "Well, y'know, I didn't get along with my parents ‘n' stuff" Eva
said trying not to appear vulnerable.
     "Yea I know, my mom used to yell at me all the time" Shawna said
trying to identify with her.
     "Did your parents beat you up" Shawna asked. 
     "No not really" Eva said not wanting to answer anymore questions.
     "Did they abuse you, did they touch you" Shawna asked, but she
could tell by the tears streaming down Eva's face that she shouldn't
take this line of questioning any further.
     Shawna put her arm around Eva and told her not to worry. She told
Eva that her parents were very far away and that they weren't going to
hurt her any more. Then she told Eva that if she wanted, she could
borrow her walkman for the night. Finally Eva stopped crying. For the
first time in a long time she felt as if she wasn't alone. She wanted
to hug Shawna, she wanted to tell Shawna that she loved her, and that
she was grateful for her support. But she feared that that this
feeling was nothing but a fleeting illusion and so, like most of her
feelings, she ignored it.
     After a few more cigarettes Eva and Shawna went inside for their
evening snack. Eva had never had a nanimo bar before and it was the
first thing she had eaten that day that actually tasted good to her.
Eva and Shawna had two nanimo bars each before a Cov' staffperson came
and told them that they had reached their limit.
     "Chocolate is always good when your feeling sad" Shawna remarked.
     "I guess so" Eva said, not wanting to admit that she was feeling
sad and actually feeling a little happy having Shawna there to share
her first time trying this wonderful chocolate delicacy.
     Eva and Shawna hung around with each other the rest of the
evening. Their conversation was only temporarily disturbed when the
Cov' staff insisted they attend something called ‘night meeting' along
with all the other residents in the great hall.
     Night meeting was just about the silliest thing that Eva had ever
seen. First one staffperson named off all the people who had obviously
found someplace better to spend the night. Then another staffperson
got up and named off all of his coworkers for the evening and made
everyone applaud for them. Then he told some boring jokes and after
that it was time for bed.
     Eva and Shawna watched as everyone pushed and shoved their way
upstairs in one mad rush. Then they made their way up together with
the tail end of the crowd.
     Eva went with Shawna to her bedroom so that she could borrow
Shawna's walkman. After they hugged goodnight, Eva found her way to
her room where she discovered her new roommate Kenisha. Kenisha was a
rather butch looking girl who, Eva guessed, must have weighed about
three hundred pounds. Neither Eva or Kenisha made any attempt at
conversation and they hardly said two words to each other the whole
night.
     Fortunately the person who stole Eva's walkman didn't have any
taste in music, because she left Eva with all of her tapes. Eva went
into her bag and took out her favorite tape, Pornography by the Cure.
She inserted the tape into Shawna's walkman and lay down with the head
phones on drifting away to the music

3

     Eva woke up the next morning with a sting in her eyes. She
guessed that she had been crying in her sleep which was sometimes a
habit of hers. When she saw her face in the mirror she was disgusted.
She considered borrowing some make up off of one of the other girls.
But there seemed to be no point in making herself halfway pretty, when
inside she felt all the way ugly.
     After breakfast Eva asked one of the Cov' staff to borrow a pair
of scissors. Then she went into the girls washroom and cut her hair
until it was a neat bowl resting just above her ears.
     At lunch, Shawna suggested that Eva should dye her hair black.
Eva said that she liked the idea. Shawna said that she would go to
Shoppers Drug Mart and try to steal some hair dye for her that
afternoon.
     The afternoon was pretty uneventful. Shawna was out probably
panning or something. So Eva just hung around the great hall reading
her boring ghost story, and listening to her Nine Inch Nails tapes on
Shawna's walkman. Shawna had not returned by supper time so Eva
continued mope around until a little after seven o clock when a Cov'
staffperson named Susan reminded her that it was time to do her
assessment.
     Susan was a skinny blond girl in her early twenties. Right away
Eva picked up an air of condescension coming from her, and right away
she new that she didn't like her.
     "I see you cut your hair today, it looks good" said Susan in a
deceptively sarcastic tone of voice.
     "Thanks" said Eva shyly. 
     Susan took Eva to an office on the second floor and they sat down
on either side of a desk to do Eva's assessment.
     "So what do you plan on doing with your self during your stay
with us Eva" Susan asked.
     "I dunno, I hadn't really thought about it" came Eva's dejected
response.
     "Well do you wanna go to school" Susan asked. 
     "No not yet" Eva answered. 
     "Well if your not going to school, your gonna have to do a job
search" Susan told her.
     "Why, it's not like anyone's gonna hire me" Eva snapped back. 
     "You never know Eva, and besides, we can't have you sitting
around doing nothing" Susan continued.
     "So what do I have to do then" Eva asked. 
     "Well, you'll be given a job search form every morning, then you
have to fill it out by applying at at least ten places a day, then you
have to hand it in to me every evening when we make our contact" Susan
informed her.
     Eva thought the whole idea of her getting a job at this point in
her life to be asinine, but it seemed she had no choice in the matter.
     After her assessment was over Eva went outside and asked one of
the residents for a cigarette. The boy who gave it to her tried to
make conversation but Eva was in no mood to talk to anybody, so she
put her headphones on and ignored him.
      Just then Eva noticed Shawna who was across the street. Shawna
appeared to be having an argument with a rather scruffy looking blond
haired boy in a toque and an army jacket. A minute later Shawna ran up
to Eva bawling her eye's out. Shawna immediately buried her face into
Eva's shoulder and Eva put her arms around her and began trying to
comfort her.
     "What happened Shawna" Eva asked. 
     "The fucken asshole dumped me" said Shawna in between sobs. 
     "Why'd he do that" Eva asked trying to find out what happened. 
     "Cause he says I'm nothing but a slut an' besides, he's going out
with someone else now anyways" Shawna said as if she were reporting
the end of the known universe.
     "Don't worry Shawna he was a looser anyways" Eva said trying to
comfort her.
     "You don't understand, Chris was all I had" said Shawna
unleashing another round of sobs.
     Eva felt good to be able to comfort Shawna the way that she had
been comforted just the night before. Eva thought to herself that she
wished that she could have been Shawna's mother or at least her older
sister, so that she could make sure that no one hurt Shawna ever
again. Shawna and Eva sat together smoking cigarettes and not really
talking much for the rest of the evening until a Cov' staffperson
finally called them in for night meeting.
     "He has got to be one of the dumbest people working here" Eva
said to Shawna commenting on the staffperson who was making the
nightly announcements.
     "Oh I know, hey I almost forgot, I got this for you today" Shawna
said as she pulled out a box of Ms. Clairol black hair dye from her
jacket and handed it to Eva.
     "Oh thanks Shawna you're the best" said Eva appreciatively. 
     "I know" said Shawna with a cute little smile.

4

     The next day Eva and Shawna spent the whole day together. After
they did their morning contact, Shawna helped Eva to dye her hair.
Then after lunch Shawna took Eva to a drop in center just half a block
away from Cov' called the Evergreen or as Shawna called it ‘the
Green'. To Eva, the Green was a cesspool, to Shawna it was a second
home.
     Eva was amazed at the way the staff members turned a blind eye to
all the young kids buying and selling drugs right out front. Right in
plain view of everybody. How  convenient, Eva thought, for all the
dealers to have a store front right on Yonge St., Toronto's main
shopping area. While they were at the Green Shawna showed Eva how to
fill out her job search form just by getting numbers out of the phone
book.
     After a while Shawna asked Eva if she wanted to go panning with
her.
     "Whadda ya mean, beg people for money" Eva asked sounding a
little scared.
     "Oh c'mon it's not hard, and besides two girls together always
make a lot of money" Shawna assured her.
     After a bit more convincing Eva finally agreed to go. Why should
I care if anyone sees me, Eva thought to herself, it's not like any of
them know who I am.
     Shawna led Eva down Yonge St. until they reached a McDonalds
restaurant across the street from the a big shopping mall called the
Eaton Center. Then Shawna took a blanket and a worn out old baseball
cap from the bag that she had been carrying and told Eva to sit down.
     "You mean were gonna just sit here out in the cold" Eva said,
suddenly beginning to lose interest in the whole venture.
     "Don't worry Eva, we'll do fine" Shawna said reassuringly as she
wrapped the blanket around Eva and herself and placed the baseball cap
in front of them.
     Within ten minutes Shawna's hat had over three dollars worth of
coins in her hat. Twenty minutes after that someone had given Eva and
Shawna a pack of cigarettes to share, and twenty minutes after that
someone else had brought them both a meal from McDonalds.
     "Wow, this actually isn't that bad" Eva remarked to Shawna. 
     "Well it's not always like this, you must be good luck" Shawna
responded.
     Eva marveled at Shawna's ability to keep asking every passer by
for their spare change even being pullite to people when they refused
her. Eva was all of a sudden struck by the Zen like quality of sitting
in one spot watching the whole world rush by her and not being a part
of it. After about three hours of this Eva and Shawna had made a
little over twenty dollars and they had eaten enough not to have to
worry about making it back to Cov' for dinner.
     "Hey Eva, we did pretty good, lets go to the Green an' get a
dime" said Shawna.
     "What's a dime" Eva asked. 
     "Weed dummy" came Shawna's jovial response. 
     Eva had known kids in her high school back home who did drugs,
and although she had been given the chance to smoke marijuana in the
past, she had only really tried alcohol.
     "OK, lets go then" Eva said to Shawna.
     Eva and Shawna walked back up Yonge St. until they had returned
to the Green. Eva watched as Shawna went up to a long haired boy
standing outside the Green and began to talk to him. Shawna was
obviously flirting with him but Eva suspected that it had very little
to do with attraction. After a few minutes of this, Shawna and the boy
shook hands in an obvious exchange of goods for cash.
     Shawna then led Eva to a place she referred to only as ‘the
Park'. The park was an area, not far from Cov' and the Green, that
surrounded a shopping center and apartment building complex called
College Park. Shawna led Eva past a frozen over cement pond to a grate
with steam coming off of it that was obscured from the rest of the
park by some trees. Eva and Shawna sat down together on the grate.
     "Gimmie your hand so I can break it up" Shawna instructed.
     Shawna crumbled the contents, of what appeared to be very tiny
ziplock bag into Eva's hand. Then Shawna broke up the pungent smelling
green substance in Eva's hand and added some tobacco from the end of a
cigarette.
     "Keep six for me Eva" said Shawna.
     "What's that" asked Eva.
     "Just keep an eye open for cops or security guards" Shawna told
her.
     Shawna then rolled two medium sized joints out of the weed in
Eva's hand, put one in her cigarette pack, and lit up the other.
     "You've smoked up before, right" Shawna asked.
     "No not really" Eva answered.
     "Oh OK, well ya just need to take little pulls ‘cause it's good
stuff OK Eva" Shawna said, as she handed her the lit joint.
     Eva didn't know what to expect, but she liked being with Shawna
and this was at least better than moping around Cov' all day.
     "C'mon Eva take a toke" Shawna said anxiously.
     Eva brought the joint to her lips and began to suck the sickly
sweet smoke into her lungs.
     "Try to hold it in" came Shawna's instructive voice.
     But the moment Shawna spoke, Eva lungs exploded in a fury of
rejection as Eva coughed so hard she feared that her eyeball's were
going to burst.
     "Just take it slowly" said Shawna, as Eva attempted her second
toke.
     This time Eva managed to hold the smoke in for a few seconds as
she sat there starring at Shawna. Eva then handed the joint back to
Shawna. Shawna took two tokes and then said to Eva "Lemme give you a
super toke."
     "What's that" asked Eva.
     "You'll see" said Shawna with a twinkle in her eye.
     Shawna put the lit joint into her mouth with the heater facing
inwards and held it in her teeth. Then she put her face in front of
Eva's. Eva guessed that Shawna was going to blow the smoke into her
mouth. Shawna then pressed her lips to Eva's and began to blow a
steady stream of smoke into her lungs.
     Eva suddenly felt a weakness throughout her whole body
(especially in her knees and stomach). She wasn't sure if this was
because of the weed or because her lips were touching Shawna's, but if
the reason was the latter, than she refused to think about it.
     "Did ya get a buzz" Shawna asked after they had finished smoking.
     "Oh yea" Eva said and then thought that she heard her voice
echoing behind her.
     Eva looked at Shawna as if for the first time. She was awestruck
by how beautiful Shawna was. Eva marveled at Shawna's perfect head of
red hair, the cute little dimples she had in her cheeks from smiling
too much, and how good Shawna looked in her black bomber jacket and
tight blue jeans. Just then Eva became self conscious and looked away.
     "What's wrong" asked Shawna.
     "Oh nothing, it's just" she broke off. "Just that I've never
smoked up before, I've never panned, y'know I'm not used to life here
yet."
     "I know, it sucks here, but at least we have each other right"
said Shawna with a smile.
     "Right" said Eva not feeling very much able to make conversation.
     Just then Eva noticed that it was starting to get dark out.
     "Oh Shit, how am a supposed to make contact" said Eva with sudden
alarm.
     "Here" said Shawna as she handed Eva a little plastic bottle.
     "What's this for" asked Eva.
     "It's Visine, ya put it in yer eye's so ya don't look red when ya
go back to Cov'" said Shawna.
     Eva unscrewed the cap and unsuccessfully attempted to put the
drops in her eyes.
     "Here lemme do it" Shawna said as she took the bottle from Eva
and put drops in both Eva's eye's and her own.
     "Just remember, no matter how much you think they do, no ones
gonna be able to tell that you're stoned" Shawna said advising Eva on
how to act when they got back to Cov'.
     As soon as they walked through the door Eva was hit with a sudden
wave of paranoia. Making eye contact with anybody was out of the
question. All Eva could think was everybody knows I'm stoned. Luckily
Eva was able to make her way to a washroom so that she could compose
herself before going to make contact with Susan.
     Eva was stunned to see her reflection in the washroom mirror. She
had almost forgotten about her new short black hairdo, and for a
moment, the girl in the mirror looked to her to be a totally different
person. Maybe that's who I'm turning into she thought to herself I
guess I need to get some black makeup.
     Eva nervously made her way to the front desk where Susan was
posted. Susan distractedly took Eva's job search form from her and
then dismissed her without making any attempt at conversation.
     Eva went back upstairs where she found Shawna sitting on a couch
in the TV room. The second they made eye contact the pair erupted into
a fit of uncontrollable laughter.
     "How'd it go" Shawna asked.
     "She didn't even look at me" Eva answered.
     After a few minutes, a group of boys had begun to gather around
the obviously inebriated pair. Most of them seemed to be trying to
either flirt with or pick them up. Shawna seemed to like the
attention, but Eva was feeling quite annoyed and so she decided to
blow them off.
     "C'mon Shawna, let go out for a smoke" Eva said with urgency in
her voice.
     "You go, I wanna stay here" Shawna answered.
     Eva walked downstairs by herself, thoughts ringing loudly in her
head. How could she do that to me, she thought to herself. Do what,
she didn't do anything, another part of her brain responded. You're in
love with her, an even darker part of her brain taunted. Eva felt like
she was going crazy. I'm just stoned, it'll wear off by morning, she
told herself.

5

     "No, please don't" she cried helplessly, fear building in her
heart.
     "Don't play that game with me, I know you like it baby"  he said,
as he rubbed his hand against her most private of parts.
     She felt his hard callused hands pull down her pajama bottoms,
and she knew that in a moment, he would be on top of her. She tried to
scratch at his face but he was too strong and grabbed her arms before
she had the chance. She tried to scream out for her mother to come
save her but was mortified when no sound came out of her mouth. Then,
just when she knew that he was about to go inside of her, she slammed
her face into the pillow and opened up her eyes.
     Eva became suddenly aware that her father was no longer in the
room. She began to breath very heavily and started to sob silently
into her pillow.
     After a few minutes, she got up and walked to the washroom. She
nealt down in front of a toilet and began to throw up the contents of
her churning stomach. Then Eva walked back to her room and watched the
covers rise and fall on her roommate Kenisha, until morning, when the
staff came to wake them up for breakfast.

6

     At breakfast, Eva made the shocking discovery that Shawna had a
new boyfriend. From what Eva could gather, after she and Shawna had
parted ways the previous night. Shawna had gone back to College Park
with the boy known as Bullets, and there they had smoked up and
apparently decided to start ‘going out'. Eva felt threatened by
Bullets mere presence at the table, especially scince he was the very
same boy she had previously had to eject from her table.
     "Y'know Allan" Bullets asked Eva.
     "No" Eva answered.
     "That's him over there" said Bullets, pointing to a boy at
another table who was wearing the same style sideways baseball cap as
he was.
     "So what" Eva said with obvious annoyance in her voice.
     "Well he says he thinks your really cute, especially scince you
cut your hair"  said Bullets in between spoonfuls of cereal.
     "Am I supposed to care" Eva said apathetically.
     "Leave her alone she's shy" cut in Shawna.
     After breakfast Shawna and Bullets went outside for a smoke. Eva
went into the great hall and sat down on a couch by herself, moping
about the apparent loss of her new best friend. If only I'd been with
her I could of kept that looser away from her she thought to her self
now all she's gonna do is hang around with him and do drugs.
     Eva walked over to the front desk to make her morning contact.
     "Any luck on the job search" asked the staffperson sitting at the
front desk.
     "Nope, guess I'll just hafta keep trying" Eva answered, with the
slightest note of veiled sarcasm.
     "Guess you will" assured the staffperson. "Is there anything you
need from us this morning" he asked.
     "Nope not today" Eva responded.
     Then the staffperson handed Eva her daily job search form, and
with that the contact was completed.
     Eva walked outside and into the smoking area between Cov's two
front entrances. Then she asked a boy for a cigarette, found an empty
bench, sat down, and lit it up. I don't think I'm ever gonna smoke
drugs again, she commented to herself as she puffed her morning
cigarette. I mean, I don't wanna end up some slut like Shawna her
internal monologue continued. She's probably just gonna get pregnant
and go on welfare came Eva's harsh deduction.
     Eva spent the morning reading in the great hall. After lunch she
went over to the Green to fill out her job search form the way Shawna
had showed her. I wonder if maybe I should get a job she asked
herself. Naw, I couldn't take getting ordered around all day she
answered.
     After she was done filling out her form, she went and sat down at
one of the few unoccupied tables inside the Green. After a few minutes
of silent moping, she was joined by an elderly looking woman with an
Evergreen name tag that said only ‘Gramma'.
     "Why do you look so down hun" the woman asked.
     "Oh I dunno, I guess I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed" Eva
answered.
     "Well tell me about it, I'm here to listen" the woman said
compassionately.
     "Well, I've just been in the city a couple of days, and" she
broke off.
     "And your not sure how to cope with everything" Gramma asked.
     "Yea, it's like, now that I'm here, I don't know what to do with
myself" Eva clarified.
     "Well, why did you come here in the first place" Gramma asked.
     "Well see, I just couldn't live with my parents any more" Eva
answered.
     "Did they hurt you sweetheart" Gramma asked very sensitively.
     "Yea they did" Eva answered.
     "Do you want to talk about it" Gramma asked.
     "No not really" Eva answered, thinking to herself that if she
ever did need to talk about it this would be the right person to open
up to.
     "So where are you staying at uh, oh gracious me, I forgot to ask
your name" said Gramma.
     "Eva" she informed her.
     "So where are you staying at Eva" Gramma asked again.
     "Covenant House" Eva answered.
     "Oh that place, how do you like it there" Gramma asked.
     "I don't know, they have so many rules and everything" Eva
answered.
     "I know, I don't like the way they are there, too strict, and
they don't really try to understand what's going on with you kids"
Gramma commented.
     Eva was surprised to hear Gramma offer a negative opinion about
the place where she was living. "Do you think I should try and find
someplace better" she asked.
     "Well, first I think you should try to figure out what you wanna
do with yourself" came Gramma's insightful response.
     "See, I guess that's my problem, I'm not really sure what I wanna
do" said Eva.
     "Well hun, it sounds to me like your running away pretty good,
you just hafta figure out where it is that you wanna run to" said
Gramma.
     As Eva and Gramma continued their conversation, Eva began to
realize what a truly wise person this Gramma lady was. After they had
finished, Eva went outside to try and find a cigarette. Just then she
bumped into Shawna and asked her for a smoke.
     "You'll never guess what kind of morning I had" said Shawna.
     "Well then tell me" queried Eva.
     "Well uh, I kinda broke up with Bullets" Shawna informed her.
     "Why" asked Eva sounding surprised.
     "Cause he was a looser, he just wanted to pimp me for crack" said
Shawna.
     "Oh" said Eva, not sure of what to say, and suddenly feeling an
intense hostility towards Bullets.
     Shawna continued on, explaining to Eva how Bullets had gotten her
to try her first ever toke of crack cocaine. Then brought her to the
corner of Sherborne and Gerrard (just a few blocks up from Cov') and
instructed her to ‘pick up a trick' so that they could get some more
crack.
     "You fucken idiot" yelled Eva. "Do you wanna end up some stupid
junkie ho!"
     "No, that's why I broke up with him" said Shawna defensively.
     "Well, at least you didn't get hurt" said Eva, reassuring Shawna
that she still cared about her.
     After this exchange, Eva and Shawna decided to go back to what
was becoming their regular panning spot outside of the McDonalds, and
see how much they could make.
     The afternoon was relatively uneventful. The pair sat there
smoking cigarettes, bumming change, and chatting with the occasional
passer by. As time passed, Eva thought to herself how she wished she
could keep Shawna from getting another boy friend so that she didn't
have to share her with anybody. It occurred to Eva that she had never
felt this way about someone before. Even when she had been back home
with her old best friend Margaret, she had never experienced the level
of caring and concern that she felt for Shawna.
     Somtime around five o clock, an older looking man in a bussiness
suit asked the pair if they would like to come inside for dinner.
     "Don't worry, have whatever you want it's on me" Said the man, as
he ussured them into the McDonalds.
     Eva and Shawna each ordered themselves big macs and fries, and
Eva also ordered herself a chocolate milkshake which seemed kind of an
odd thing to be having seeing as winter was not yet over.
     The man introduced himself as Steven, and explained to the pair
that he was staying at a downtown hotel while he was attending a
business conference. He seemed concerned for Eva and Shawna's well
being, but something about his manner led Eva to believe that this man
also had a hidden agenda concerning herself and Shawna.
     "How would you girls like to make some money" he asked very
matter of factly.
     "How much" came Shawna's quick response.
     "Oww" whined Shawna as Eva kicked her under the table.
     The man then went on to proposition the pair offering them one
hundred dollars each to come up to his hotel room to, as he put it,
‘put on a little show' for him. While Eva felt disgusted by the whole
idea, Shawna seemed to be humoring the man, even to the point of
taking his business card with his room number written on the back.
After they had finished their meal, Steven left to go back to his
hotel room where he said he would be waiting. Eva and Shawna went back
outside to continue panning.
     "Don't tell me your considering going with him" Eva said with
slight annoyance.
     "Look Eva, I am considering it, but not for what you think, I
ain't no fucken ho" said Shawna.
     "Yea well then explain to me Shawna, why would you go up to that
creeps hotel room" said Eva with a rather accusatory tone of voice.
     "To rob him dummy" said Shawna.
     "Oh" said Eva who had all of a sudden grasped the situation.
     
7

     Shawna and Eva entered through the side entrance of the Delta
Chelsea hotel, just across the street from the Green. They got on the
elevator and took it up to the eighteenth floor, where Steven's room
was located.
     "OK now Eva remember our plan, I keep him busy and you grab his
money" said Shawna as the pair walked the hallway down to Steven's
door.
     Shawna seemed to have a strange sense of calm about her, but Eva
was completely mortified.
     "I changed my mind Shawna, I just can't do this" said Eva as they
neared the door.
     "C'mon Eva, it'll be a breeze, then we'll go party" said Shawna
as she started to knock.
     The next few minites were a blur to Eva. Steven opened his door
and almost immediately started fondling Shawna. Then somehow they were
all in bed together. Steven took his pants off and threw them next to
his bed, and it registered in Eva's mind that that's where his wallet
was. The next sight Eva saw nearly destroyed her. Shawna was actually
giving the sleazebag a blow job. In a desperate attempt, Eva grabbed
Steven's pants, grabbed Shawna and yelled "run". The pair bolted out
of the room and down the hallway towards the elevator.
     Just then they heard Steven calling "please, just take the money
and leave me my wallet."
     Eva grabbed the wallet out of Steven's pants, grabbed a fistful
of cash from the wallet, shoved the cash in her pocket, and then threw
Steven's pants and wallet down the hallway. At the that exact moment
the elevator arrived.
     "Whew, what a rush" said Shawna, as the pair exited the hotel.
     Within a minite they where seated at the grate in College Park.
Eva, now having a chance to relax, began feeling a flood of emotions.
Was this what she ran away from home for? This is almost as bad as
being at home she thought to herself at least I have Shawna.
     Shawna appeared to be very pleased with herself.
     "So how much did we make" she asked.
     Eva pulled the money out of her pocket. After they had counted it
they found that they had exactly two hundred seventy dollars.
     "And I still have the money we made from panning" said Shawna
."That makes almost three hundred dollars."
     "Yea well, that's great an' everything Shawna, but it's already
dark out, don't ya think we should be getting back ta ‘Cov now" Eva
said in a shakey voice.
     "Hell no babe" said Shawna. "We're goin' out partying."
   


8

     Eva spent the remainder of the evening getting better aquatinted
with what was ‘Shawna's world'. After pulling off what was apparently
their ‘big score'. Shawna led Eva all over Toronto's downtown core
introducing her to all the different panners, squeegee kids, and drug
dealers she knew. Each time Shawna would encounter a new friend she
would recount the events of the previous few hours, embellishing and
expanding the story on each telling.
     Although she had promised herself that she wouldn't, Eva ended up
getting quite stoned off of the big bag of weed that Shawna had
purchased from one of her friends. Sometime around ten o clock, Eva
began to feel an intense anxiety regarding her situation.
     "OK Shawna" she said "I've had fun and everything, but we missed
our curfew, don't you think it's time we figured out where were gonna
sleep tonight."
     "Who said we were gonna sleep" said Shawna "there's this place I
wanna show you called Freakshow, your gonna love it."
     Eva and Shawna walked down to the corner of Yonge and Queen, and
then hoped a streetcar.
     "So what's this place we're going to supposed to be" asked Eva.
     "Well, it's this underground nightclub where everybody hangs out
on Thursdays and Sundays" said Shawna. "It stays open ‘till six am, so
we can pretty much party all night" she continued.
     "What kinda music do they play" asked Eva.
     "Pretty much anything" said Shawna.
     After a few minites, Shawna ushered Eva off of the streetcar and
onto what seemed to be a very busy section of Queen St.. Eva was
somewhat taken aback by the bustle of the whole place.
     "Well, I'm certainly not in Kansas anymore" she remarked to
Shawna trying to lighten the mood.
     Shawna led Eva up a sidestreet and then across an alleyway until
they reached a small warehouse with a dull bass thud coming from
inside.
     "Well this is it" exclaimed Shawna.
     Shawna led Eva through the door into what appeared to be a buffer
zone between the club and the outside world. The pair were then
frisked by a rather large man who was wearing some kind of
headset/walkie-talkie. After that, they each handed five dollars to a
woman sitting behind a counter who then put a circular stamp on each
of their hands and welcomed them to the club.
     Although Eva was far past being shocked, she was somewhat
surprised by the throng of freaky looking teenagers who greeted her
and Shawna as they passed through the door. Well, they don't call this
place Freakshow for nothing she thought to herself. Some of the people
looked like punk rockers, some were normal kids dressed mostly in Nine
Inch Nails and Maralyn Manson tee-shirts, allot of people were wearing
all black (some with black lace and make up), and then there were
these weird looking people who didn't seem like they would fit in
anywhere. Those must be the freaks she deduced. She suddenly realized
that the all black outfit that she had been wearing all day fit in
perfectly here, all except for these stupid white sneakers, she
realized gazing down at her shoes which were at that moment glowing
purple due one of the weird lights coming from somewhere in the club.
     "Well Eva, whadda ya think" Shawna asked, seemingly proud of the
cool place she had brought her to.
     "I dunno yet, I'm still taking it all in" Eva said somewhat
cautiously.
     The effect of the place was intensified by what Eva perceived to
be, not only the most sophisticated, but also the trippiest lighting
system she had ever seen. The walls were covered with graffiti and the
smell of marijuana seemed to be coming from everywhere. Coupled with
the loud music, and the fact that she was already stoned, Eva felt as
though she had passed into an alternate reality.
     "Wow Shawna, there's nothing like this back in the sticks I come
from" she commented.
     "No shit Sherlock" Shawna joked. "Anyways, I wanna introduce you
to everybody, c'mon" she said as she took Eva's hand.
     Over the next hour she proceeded to do just that. Shawna seemed
to know everyone in the club, and by virtue of being along with her,
Eva was getting to meet them all too. And somehow these seemed like
Eva's kind of people. Not that Eva had any reference as to who her
kind of people where, but this seemed to be the most agreeable bunch
she'd run across so far. I wonder if it's fate she thought that I'm
here tonight, with Shawna.
     After all the introductions were over, the pair found themselves
seats on a slightly crowded stage just off the corner of the dance
floor. The effect of the place hadn't worn off and somehow, despite
the loud music and the strange looking people, Eva felt totally
relaxed.
     "Just wait here a minite hun" said Shawna "I'm gonna go try and
find us some ‘cid."
     "Some what" asked Eva.
     "You'll see" said Shawna with that cute little twinkle in her
eye.
     Shawna went off to get the ‘cid, some kind of drug probably, and
Eva started talking to the girl sitting next to her who Shawna had
introduced as Mary. Mary was wearing all black and, Eva guessed, was
what Shawna referred to as a Goth.
     "So you've never done acid before" Mary queried after a few
moments of conversation.
     Just then Eva realized that that was what Shawna had gone to get.
Suddenly, she remembered a lecture one of her teachers had given in
class a few years ago. "Hey, isn't that what that kid took who went
crazy and killed himself after that concert a few years ago" she said
to Mary.
     "Mabey" Mary responded "I never heard about that, where was it?"
     "Here in Toronto" she said "don't you remember, it was a..." Eva
searched her brain "a Pink Floyd concert."
     "Oh yea" Mary said "anyways, here comes Shawna, try not to listen
to any Pink Floyd tonight OK" and with that Mary was off to the dance
floor.
     Shawna sat down next to Eva, put her arm around her, and
whispered in her ear. "Take this little piece of paper from my hand
and put it in you mouth, but don't swallow it" she instructed.
     Eva wasn't sure if that was a wise thing to do, but she reasoned
that if Shawna was doing it that she should do it too. It might be fun
she told herself. She took the tiny little green square from Shawna's
open hand and put it on her tongue.
     "This stuff is called Green Goblin" said Shawna.  "It's supposed
to be the best stuff around."
     "What does it do to you" Eva asked.
     "Well, it's acid, it puts you on a trip" said Shawna.
     "Whadda ya mean a trip" Eva asked feeling both curious and
slightly frightened
     "You'll see" said Shawna with that mischievous little look that
Eva was beginning to fall in love with "don't worry, I'll stay with
you."
     Just then someone passed Shawna a lit joint. After a few tokes
she passed it to Eva who took a few tokes herself before passing it
on. Eva did notice the effect of the marijuana, however, she wondered
if Shawna hadn't just wasted her money on a few ordinary pieces of
paper.

9

     Eva kept noticing how friendly Shawna was being. What with
putting her arm around her, and constantly whispering in her ear. I
wonder if its just the drugs she thought. Whatever the reason, Eva was
not above encouraging it. Just then Eva noticed the music in a way she
had never noticed anything before.
     "It's like there's this rhythmic pulsating box in my head, and
only I can see it, and it's being controlled by the music" she said to
Shawna.
     "Wow Hun, I think you're starting to trip" said Shawna, who's own
pupils were becoming larger by the second.
     Eva suddenly had the odd sensation that she was sitting beside
herself. Wait a minute, this isn't me I'm... Eva suddenly regained her
senses. What was that, she wondered realizing that this drug was like
none she'd tried before. She looked over at Shawna and realized that
Shawna was sitting where, she, seemed to have been a moment ago. But
that can't be she thought to herself. But in that same moment she
realized that the drug was too powerful not to accept what happened,
because if she didn't accept it she might loose her mind. So she made
a temporary deal with herself to believe in what was happening, just
until the effect of the drug wore off.
     "I think I just saw through your eye's" she said to Shawna.
     "I know" said Shawna with the dreamiest look Eva had ever seen.
     What does she mean, how could she know Eva wondered, almost on
the edge of panic. But it was too late, she had to accept what had
happened. Eva then realized that, for that brief moment, she had known
everything that Shawna knew. She even remembered seeing herself
through Shawna's eye's. She loves me too she thought. What, I'm not in
love with her that's craz... But that was another thing that this
‘trip' was forcing her to accept. I do love her she admitted to
herself. And with that realization, Eva's whole world lit up.
     "C'mon lets get out there" Shawna said motioning to the rather
roucus looking dance floor.
     The pair got up and began to gyrate almost violently to the loud
abrasive industrial music coming from the club's sound system. Eva had
never danced to industrial before, had never actually been in a night
club before, and had certainly never been on acid before.
     This is amazing she thought to her self, as her body writhed to
the extremely hard and clunkie sounds. For a moment Eva's mind, her
body, and the music became one. And Eva somehow totally understood the
desolation, despair and anger implied within the music. But that's not
it her tripping mind pondered it's not the music really, it's
something in all of us, the music just taps into it, we all feel...
She pondered, that's it she realized, we all feel ripped off, lost,
trapped, confused. Just then she looked over at Shawna and her mind
was quieted. I love her she thought, and with that thought came peace.
     Eva watched as Shawna went over to talk to one of the punks
standing against the wall just off the dance floor. After a few
minites Shawna motioned for her to join them.
     "Buzz Eva, Eva Buzz" Shawna said introducing Eva to her friend.
"Buzz says we can crash at his squat after we leave here."
     "Oh, um, are you sure that's safe Shawna" Eva said, knowing that
this would probably be their only option.
     "Oh yea, Buzz and the other people there are all pretty cool,
we'll be safe there" said Shawna .
     "Don't worry Eva, we all look out for each other" Buzz
interjected.
     "Anyways, we don't hafta decide right now" Shawna comforted her.
"C'mon I wanna show you the trip room."
     The trip room? Shawna took Eva's hand and led her through the
club to a small dark room with walls that looked like they were
bleeding florescent green ooze. There was also a TV with slightly
blurred images of what looked to Eva to be people in black leather
spanking or whipping each other, cute she thought.  The room also had
it's own sound system separate from the rest of the club and it was
playing, oh shit, Shine On You Crazy Diamond by  Pink Floyd.
     "C'mon hun let's sit down" Shawna said motioning to one of the
white leather couches.
     Eva and Shawna sat down hand in hand staring into each others
eye's. Eva could tell by Shawna's manner that something was different
between the two of them. By the way Shawna was holding her hand, and
especially by the way Shawna's other hand was rubbing her leg.
     "Everyone's looking at us" Eva said to Shawna.
     "So, nobody cares" Shawna responded.
     Eva decided to take a chance. She looked directly into Shawna's
eyes, directly into Shawna's soul and said "I love you."
     "I know" said Shawna
     Then Eva put her arms around Shawna and kissed her on the mouth
softer and deeper than she'd ever kissed anyone before. The moment was
electric and Eva felt more complete than she had ever felt. She knew
at that moment that she would go with Shawna to Buzz's squat,  that
she would stay in the city, and that her life would never be the same
again.
     
    
     
     
     

. 




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