Re: My Wife - Seven Year Itch?

"Brian" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote in message news:<[EMAIL PROTECTED]>...
> Hi Ari,
> 
> Well, she has refused counseling in the past and I am sure she will now.
> 
> We aren't having kids to fix problems but you have a point..we've always
> "covered up" our problems, mainly because she refuses to face or admit them.
> She has never communicated well with me.
> 
> Well, I could most certainly give her more time but I honestly don't think
> how much longer I can put up with her not wanting to hug or kiss or just a
> wife. Or how many 3:00 AM nights I can take. I do want her to have fun and
> maybe rediscover herself, but my philosophy is that if she wants to continue
> to live under the same roof, then she needs to be a wife.
> 

I don't know if my input is going to be helpful or not, but after
following this thread I'd like to make the observation that your wife
is exhibiting the classic signs of adolescent rebellion.

You say that your wife went straight from her family to your marriage.
I'll go so far as to suggest that it sounds like you have always been
married to the equivalent of a child/teenager. For a marriage to work,
it takes two adults.

If your marriage is ever going to succeed, she's going to have to grow
up. This will require her going through this adolescent rebellion
period. You don't become an adult without going through adolescence.
Sounds to me like she's unknowingly targeted you as if you were her
parent. Whether you want to stick by and endure this stage is
completely up to you. I personally wouldn't blame you for ditching the
situation.

However, if you do want to give the marriage a shot, it would take a
lot of patience and forbearance on your part, and walking a fine line
between expecting her to act mature, without finding yourself falling
into the trap of acting like her parent. That's the worse thing you
could do - it would probably cause her to rebel even further. Sounds
like you're already seeing this: the more you push, the more she
pushes away.

Perhaps you might broach this subject with her - gently - and explain
that you want to be married to an equal, and have no interest in
playing the part of parent to her. You might point out that it seems
the two of you have fallen into that trap, and ask her how she thinks
you might both work yourselves out of it? You might express to her
that you would welcome a change in the roles of your relationship,
particularly if it resulted in a better, healthier relationship as
equal partners. Just as she might think it's no fun to be stuck in the
role of child, tell her you don't enjoy being stuck in the role of
parent.

Is she cheating on you? I have no idea. It's only been 2 weeks, so
maybe not. Maybe it is her new job that's given her confidence and new
wings. Maybe she is tempted but it hasn't gone anywhere yet and you
still may have a chance. But then again, I'm ever the optomist.

jen