ENTERPRISE CREW SPLIT OVER VIOLATING PRIME DIRECTIVE, INTERVENING TO SAVE EARTH FROM ITSELF

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        ENTERPRISE CREW SPLIT OVER VIOLATING PRIME
        DIRECTIVE, INTERVENING TO SAVE EARTH FROM ITSELF
        Star Fleet Strictly Forbids Meddling, But Christ, Just Look at the Place

        In Stationary Orbit (SatireWire.com) — Disturbed by ruthless
        terrorist attacks and raging war, the crew of the starship
        Enterprise, which has been stealthily orbiting Earth since
        August, is reportedly torn over whether to violate Star Fleet's
        Prime Directive and intervene in Earth affairs, or gather for
        drinks in the forward observation lounge and watch the planet
        go to shit.

        According to Enterprise Capt. Jean-Luc Picard, the crew is
        evenly split between Earth-born personnel who believe they
        have an obligation to quell the recent violence and bring lasting
        peace to their home world, and non-Earth-born personnel, who point
        out that Picard didn't lift a finger when Boral II self-destructed,
        so what's so special about this place?

        "Hey, we let most of the Boralans die. We wouldn't help the
        Klingon's in their civil war. What's the big deal here?" said
        Guinan, the ship's lounge hostess and a native of El-Auria.
        "Besides, every time we do intervene, we leave the inhabitants
        more screwed up than they were before."

        "How could we possibly make the people on this planet more
        screwed up?" countered Earth-born First Officer Will Riker.
        "They think golf is a sport!"

        According to the Prime Directive, "the right of each sentient
        species to live in accordance with its normal cultural evolution
        is considered sacred, and no Star Fleet personnel may interfere
        with the healthy development of alien life and culture." While
        officers are honor-bound to uphold it, Earth-born Ensign Wesley
        Crusher argued the Enterprise has broken the rules before.

        "Gee, this could be just like Episode 141, where Data tries to
        save the life of that little girl whose planet is gonna blow up,
        or Episode 109, where Capt. Picard interfered to save my life
        because I broke one of the Edo's laws," said Crusher. "I mean,
        look, it's really cool to sit up here in our sexless spandex
        uniforms, downing Klavorian Synth-Ale and pretending we're not
        all running the Caligula program on the Holodeck, but the people
        of Earth are gearing up to, like, kill each other.

        "I know we're not supposed to mess with the 'healthy development'
        of other cultures,' but this is not fuckin' healthy," he added.

        "I disagree," answered Lt. Cmdr. Worf, a Klingon. "I am not of
        Earth, but some differences can only be solved through violence.
        Truly, I fail to understand why the humans from this planet's
        Western Hemisphere have not already attacked the humans from
        the Eastern Hemisphere. Or perhaps I have that backwards.
        This planet keeps spinning in an annoying way."

        "Exactly, Mr. Worf," said Earth-born Capt. Picard. "It is
        ever-changing. East becomes West, West becomes East, right
        becomes wrong. We should be patient. After all, on whose behalf
        do we intercede?"

	"God, you are so French," mumbled Riker.

        "I say we... we attack them all!" said Worf. "This way there
        is no confusion."

	"Dude, are you sure you're not from Earth?" asked Crusher.

        At press time, Capt. Picard had yet to make a decision, but
        he is expected to rely heavily on ship's counselor Deanna Troi,
        a telepathic Betazoid who said the planet below was a roiling
        sea of emotions. "I sense great hostility, fear and sadness
        among the people," she announced. "But I also sense something
        else, something even stronger. It is... It is..."

	"Love?" interrupted the android, Cmdr. Data.

        "No, it is relief. There is widespread relief that there now
        may be no more Die Hard movies."

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