[WWW] [PARODY] ScoopTHIS! 11.19.03

Bret Hart : "With WrestleMania XX fast approaching, I find myself confused
and conflicted by feelings of spontaneous understanding and forgiveness."

http://www.411mania.com/wrestling/columns/article.php?columns_id=2308

11.19.03 EDITION

An incident in Winnipeg made headlines recently when a fan poured beer on
Eddie Guerrero, resulting in Guerrero attacking him. Eddie, a recovering
alcoholic, was understandably upset by the incident, as he tries to avoid
situations of extreme temptation. In similar news, Stone Cold Steve Austin
exploded backstage for the very same reason after the Raw writing team had
scripted him to beat up Stacey Keibler on a recent Raw episode.

Christopher Nowinski has been cleared for training camp. He has been out for
five months with post concussion syndrome. Nowinski's brain chemistry has
changed so much due to the concussion that he has had problems with
sleepwalking, having woken up places with no idea of how he got there.
William Regal, on the other hand, refused to comment on why he accomodated
him each time.

Ultimate Warrior recently engaged in a war of words with Calgary Sun
columnist TJ Madigan, after the latter published a less than flattering
commentary on Warrior's modern-day life, singling out the fact that the
former WWF Champion "legally changed his name to Warrior, so now his
wrestling name appears on his driver's licence, passport and all other legal
documents". In a rebuttal published on Slam.ca, Warrior refuted the writer's
insinuations, citing that "Warrior" is not his name - it's his character
class. He then added that since he has an STR attribute of 28 and THAC0 of
4, the writer would do well to tread carefully.

Last week, Bret Hart once again teased a betrayal of everything he ever
stood for, currently stands for, or ever will stand for. In his column for
the Calgary Sun, Bret wrote : "I blame Vince McMahon for raping my wrestling
legacy, the death of my brother Owen, as well as contributing in no small
way to society's overall moral decay. However, someone at WWE recently told
me that when my name was brought up in casual conversation, Vince didn't say
anything bad. That touched and moved me in ways I cannot begin to describe.
With WrestleMania XX fast approaching, I find myself confused and conflicted
by feelings of spontaneous understanding and forgiveness." You can read the
whole article on slam.ca.

WWE recently tried to cut intermission from house shows to speed things up.
This caused merchandise sales to drop significantly since intermission is
when most people get up to buy merchandise. To compensate for this, the
company asked wrestlers to slow their workrate down to a crawl, so as to
encourage fans in attendance to spend the entire event in the hallways.

WWE announced Jim Ross' recent promotion in The Stilwell Democrat Journal,
the paper from JR's hometown. The former Vice President of Talent Relations
is now Executive Vice President of Talent Relations. Along with the title
change, his base salary of 318,000 dollars will now be raised to 318,000
executive dollars.

The Undertaker's father recently passed away. Undertaker is said to be
ecstatic to be finally reunited with him. (over 3 months and no one made
this joke yet? come on, guys!)

Lance Storm had to miss the 9/22 RAW show due to a pelvis injury that
occurred a week earlier, in a match with Mark Henry. This is one of those
rare times in the life of a professional wrestler where the pitcher - not
the catcher - walked away limping.

Just when it looked like NWA-TNA receptionist Jeremy Borash was about to
make history by going through an entire column without namedropping a single
Hollywood celebrity he either dined, shook hands with or jumped from a plane
with, he blows it at the very end with eleventh-hour mentions of "TNA fan"
Chris Rock and Paris Hilton. SO CLOSE.

As you may have heard Widro teasing of late, 411mania.com will soon be
unveiling 411 Black, which promises to be the freshest, dopest section on
411 ever; as our African-American writers finally have a place they can call
their own, safe from da man's oppression. Belie'dat.