[PICO] PICO TV - Episode One

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---

[We see a completely black screen... and then the logo of the
Professional Independent
 Combat Organization.  After a still shot of the logo that lasts about
six seconds, we fade
 into a studio, with "Theme of Green Hornet" by Al Hirt playing in the
background.  We are
 greeted by two women seated at a desk... Dream Visual Fighting's
Misaki Ishikawa and Honey
 Kobayashi!]

MISAKI: Hello, fight fans!  Today on PICO TV, we will see two great
matches of the death
 match spirit!

HONEY: Yes!  We have a Basketball Death Match and a Takuya Nobu's Ice
Cream Parlor Death
 Match!  It was awfully nice of Mr. Nobu to donate his parlor for
destruction!

MISAKI: Indeed!  Let us give you character profiles for today's first
battle!  It is for
 the Basketball Death Match!

HONEY: Toshiji Yamanaki is ugly, and Odin Trollslayer is scary!

MISAKI: Right!  Let's go fighting!

[The camera opens to a close up of Toshiji Yamanaki, who, with his
strange, angular
 features and right eye lazily wandering around in its socket, is not
a pretty sight.
 He's wearing a black t-shirt, but as the view is only from about the
chest up, that's
 all we can see. On the left side of the screen, white text reads, "Q:
Having last
 appeared in J-FIGHT, why did you decide to join PICO given its
radically different
 style?"]
 
TY: I've fought many different styles -- kickboxing, vale tudo, pro
style... it's true
 I've never competed in the death match style before, but I always
like a good fight!
 Rules or stipulations aren't important to me!
 
[The tape cuts, and a new question is on the screen: "Q: What do you
think about Odin
 Trollslayer?"]
 
TY: I'm not familiar with him, so nothing, really. I am trying not to
expect anything in
 particular.
 
[The tape cuts again, and a third question reads, "Q: So, how are your
basketball skills?"
 Yamanaki chuckles.]
 
TY: Good, I hope! It won't really matter, though. After I either knock
him out or break his
 limbs, I'll have all the time in the world!
 
[Yamanaki laughs again, the creepy looking bastard. Fade out, then
back to the studio.]

HONEY: He's not cute!

MISAKI: This is good, because we don't want cute guys to be
brutalized!

[They giggle.]

HONEY: We shall hear from scary man next!

[And the studio disappears!  Eek!]

V: I swear on the bleeding ulcer of Jesus Christ, I hate you all.
 
[Open, to what appears to be a gym locker room.  Sitting on a bench is
the massive Scumdog
 Overlord himself, Odin Trollslayer.  In his bear-like hands he holds
a basketball.]
 
OT: Here I am in the supposed mecca of professional wrestling... and
I'm to prove if I'm
 better at _basketball_ than some genetic hiccup of an asian gangfuck?
 
[Odin trmbles with anger, his fingers whitening, so intense on the
basketball that it seems
 ready to explode.]
 
OT: Yamanaki... I have no quarrel with you, besides the fact that it
is because of _you_ I
 have to embarass myself in the land of the Rising Sun.  After this
deathmatch, what was
 done to the jews at Auschwitz will seem like two teenagers making out
in the backseat of a
 used Chevy.
 
[Grumbles.]
 
OT: Total horror _is_ the law.
 
[Out.]

|     PROFESSIONAL INDEPENDENT COMBAT ORGANIZATION      |
|                                                       |
|               HYPER DEATH SCRAMBLE '03                |
P                BASKETBALL DEATH MATCH                 P
I      TOSHIJI YAMANAKI                                 I
C                        VERSUS                         C
O                                ODIN TROLLSLAYER       O
|          FIRST TO SCORE THREE BASKETS WINS!           |
|                                                       |
|     PROFESSIONAL INDEPENDENT COMBAT ORGANIZATION      |

[Misaki and Honey reappear inside of a basketball gym, with various
weaponage scattered
 across the gym floor.  The bleachers are filled with wrestling fans. 
Both backboards have
 been marked with colors - blue for Yamanaki and red for Trollslayer. 
Misaki and Honey are
 both dressed in basketball gear and are holding wireless
microphones.]

MISAKI: Welcome to the basketball death match!  As you can see, our
basketball is a bit more
 violent than normal basketball!

HONEY: Indeed!  We can use weapons and there is no foul limit!

MISAKI [overdubbed line]: We'd show you Odin Trollslayer's entrance
onto the court, but it's
 much too scary, so... !

[CLIP!  We fade back in to Honey and Misaki clutching each other in
fear.]

HONEY: This man frightens me!

MISAKI: Let's see if Toshiji Yamanaki can scare us!

[Two rows of cheerleaders stand lined up in front of the gym entrance.
They look around and
 fidget nervously until "Blue Blood" by X begins to play, causing them
to start jumping up
 and down, squealing and shaking their pom poms! Toshiji Yamanaki
steps through the door and
 jogs between the cheerleaders, dribbling a basketball. He wears a
number 67 black
 basketball jersey with white trim, black athletic shorts, white Nike
high tops, and a white
 headband. Yamanaki slows to a stroll as he heads towards center court
and tries to spin the
 basketball on his finger, but it flies off and bounces off his head.
Unfazed, he smiles and
 gives the camera a big thumbs up.]

HONEY: That's not scary, that's just silly!

MISAKI: Silly or not, he may be the man to beat this scary fellow from
Norway!

HONEY: He's not from Norway, is he?

MISAKI: ... I don't know!

[Suddenly, Trollslayer charges the unsuspecting Yamanaki with a metal
garbage can, promptly
 striking him over the skull.  Yamanaki crumbles to the ground right
away.]

MISAKI: Ooh, he's not a fair fighter, either!

HONEY: And he smells funny!  Ew!

[CLIP!  Trollslayer now has Yamanaki against the bleachers, choking
him, as referee Tommy
 Kitazawa admonishes him.  She keeps shouting that the match isn't
official until there's a
 tipoff, but Trollslayer doesn't understand her, since he doesn't
speak Japanese.  Yamanaki
 starts firing kneelifts at Trollslayer's stomach, then finds a nearby
water cooler and
 completely douses Trollslayer.  Trollslayer, who wasn't exactly the
cleanest individual in
 the world, simply looks at Yamanaki with a stare that could cut
flesh, if that was even
 possible.]

MISAKI: Hmmm... he reminds me of a Bloodsucking Editor!

HONEY: She's scary too! 

[CLIP!  We've finally gotten the two towards a tipoff, as Kitazawa
throws the ball into the
 air, but only Trollslayer leaps.  Kitazawa realizes what's about to
happen, and she
 promptly moves backwards about ten feet... as Trollslayer lands
groin-first onto Yamanaki's
 knee!  Trollslayer kinda sorta doubles over in pain... ]

HONEY: Foul!

MISAKI: There are no fouls in a death match!

HONEY: Technical foul!  Technically!

[... as Yamanaki snatches the ball and runs past him, dribbling
horribly.  He attempts a
 layup on his basket, but the ball rolls around the rim after
ricocheting a bit... and it
 somehow goes in, just as Trollslayer bashes Yamanaki on the back of
the skull with a meaty
 forearm!]

MISAKI: Basket!  Yamanaki scores a basket already!  It's one to zero!

HONEY: But Trollslayer might kill poor Yamanaki!  He's big and mean,
and Yamanaki is ugly
 and smaller!

MISAKI: Trollslayer also has a crotch made of industrial steel,
because he shook off his
 testicular problems!

HONEY: Maybe he has practice shaking his testicles?

MISAKI: ... 

HONEY: ... 

[CLIP!]

MISAKI: Trollslayer is attempting to bring pain to Yamanaki!

[Yamanaki is trying to kneelift Trollslayer again, but Trollslayer
seems to be avoiding
 everything.  That is, until Yamanaki connects with a completely blind
punch that catches
 Trollslayer between the eyes and staggers him slightly.  Yamanaki
scrambles for the ball,
 obviously trying to end this match as soon as he can, and finds it...
onto to get snared
 Trollslayer with a claw to the back of Yamanaki's head!]

HONEY: Eek!  Pain forthcoming!

MISAKI: Yamanaki's fighting!

[Yamanaki starts elbowing like crazy, maintaining a firm grip on the
basket, and catches
 Trollslayer with a few well-placed blows.  Trollslayer, however,
turns Yamanaki around and
 hoists him onto his shoulders into a fireman's carry.  Panicked,
Yamanaki chucks the ball
 at his basket, but fails miserably... only for this to happen... ]

"THUNK!"

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

HONEY: BY ODIN'S BEARD!

MISAKI: LITERALLY!  THAT'S THE NAME OF THE MOVE!

HONEY: Golly!

[Trollslayer tosses Yamanaki into the air, forward, and causes him to
land with rather harsh
 force in a reverse DDT position!]

MISAKI: Painful suffering!

[Trollslayer merely palms the ball, stomps over to his basket, reaches
up, and places the
 ball through the basket for an easy score!]

HONEY: And it's tied!

MISAKI: Yamanaki's getting up!

[Trollslayer sees this occuring, and decides to charge towards the
stumbling Yamanaki, whose
 face appears to be swelling slightly.  Trollslayer screams as if he's
charging a Viking
 trying to board his ship... ]

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWAP!"

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

[... spearing him to the hardwood floor.]

MISAKI: DIE, SAXON DOG!

HONEY: That's a little harsh, don't you think?

MISAKI [with papers rustling in the background]: Look, that's what it
says on the paper!

HONEY: Ohhhh.

[With Yamanaki down on the mat, Trollslayer motions for Kitazawa to
hand him the basketball,
 and she does, although reluctantly.  He then decides to show off a
bit, charging towards
 the basket and leaping into the air... ]

"CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRASH!!!tinkletinkletinkle!"

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

MISAKI: Trollslayer scores again... but how's he supposed to score a
third basket if he just
 broke his backboard?!

[That's right... glass is scattered all around the area underneath
what used to be a
 basketball backboard... with Trollslayer holding the rim in his
hands, looking positively
 furious!]

HONEY: His weight caused the glass to break!

MISAKI: What a turn of events!

[Trollslayer starts to scream at the frightened Kitazawa, when... ]

"CLANK!"

[... Yamanaki comes from behind, still dazed, and tosses a metal bench
at Trollslayer's
 back!]

HONEY: He's alive!

MISAKI: And if he didn't just save Tommy, I would've stood up,
promptly ran to the nearest
 phone, and called the army!  Maybe they could've saved her!  I
couldn't!

[Trollslayer seems mildly amused by this, as Yamanaki gives
Trollslayer another little bit
 of trickery... as he's found a jump rope and is able to lasso
Trollslayer's right foot!]

HONEY: Yamanaki is so brave, yet so ugly!

MISAKI: He's also a cowboy!  Yee haw!

[Yamanaki continues to pull the rope towards a broom closet, where he
apparently has
 commissioned several members of his fan club to blockade the door! 
Trollslayer refuses to
 go inside, throwing wild punches, but Yamanaki kicks the left leg
from underneath him!]

MISAKI: What is this?!

HONEY: He has fans?!

[With a small trickle of blood coming from around Yamanaki's eye, he
snatches a folding
 chair from one of the fans and brains the rising Trollslayer with it.
 With some help from
 his fans, Yamanaki pushes Trollslayer into the closet... and one of
his fans produces a
 chain with a lock, and they close the door!]

MISAKI: They're going to lock Trollslayer into the closet!

HONEY: I knew he practiced shaking testicles!

MISAKI: ... what?

HONEY: ... he's got to come out of the closet sometime!

[You can hear Misaki putting her face into her hands, right?]

HONEY: They've chained it shut!

[CLIP!  Yamanaki is seen taking the folding chair and positioning it
underneath the basket.
 He then climbs on top and is tossed a ball by Kitazawa, as he puts in
two easy shots to win
 the match!  Kitazawa blows a whistle, and the fans cheer loudly!  In
the background, you
 can hear very loud screaming and pounding on the door... as well as
the door breaking!]

|     PROFESSIONAL INDEPENDENT COMBAT ORGANIZATION      |
|                                                       |
|               HYPER DEATH SCRAMBLE '03                |
P                BASKETBALL DEATH MATCH                 P
I     [O] TOSHIJI YAMANAKI                              I
C                          (3-2)                        C
O                                ODIN TROLLSLAYER [X]   O
|                                                       |
|                                                       |
|     PROFESSIONAL INDEPENDENT COMBAT ORGANIZATION      |

[We pan over to the door, only to see Trollslayer actually punching
_through!_ the door!
 Yamanaki doesn't even see what's going on, as he has already left...
perhaps to celebrate
 with ice cream!  Let's go to the ice cream parlor now!]

HONEY: Hello once again, fight fans!

[We're at Takuya Nobu's Ice Cream Parlor, where Misaki and Honey are
now dressed as
 employees of the shop (with Misaki's outfit being slightly modified
to be more seductive).
 Misaki appears to be enjoying an ice cream cone while standing beside
a young male member
 of the staff.]

HONEY: It's cold in here, but we are ready for a fight!  Let's hear
from everyone!

[Fade in on a shot of the Gremlin sitting in a very small kitchen. 
For some odd reason, he
 has a pillowcase with him.
 
G:  Greetings.  For those of you that don't know, I'm the Gremlin, and
whoopin' people's ass
 is my bidness.
 
[Grem opens the freezer, looks at a pint of vanilla ice cream, and
drops it into his
 pillowcase.]
 
G:  I've been kicking people's asses since I was two- I beat the shit
out of some lazy-eyed
 toddler for eatin' all the cookies, I believe.  Those were me and
Mickey Mouse's cookies,
 goddamnit!
 
[Gremmy twitches.]
 
G:  In high school, I played a game of- wait.
 
[Gremmy pauses.]
 
G:  I never made it to high school!  Or did I?  Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn!
 
[Ha!  Gremmy grabs a brick off of the counter and drops it into the
pillowcase.]
 
G:  Anyway, enough with the back-story, mickie fickies.  As you
probably know, I'm gonna be
 facing One Ton Wakai in a Ice Cream Parlor Death Match. Now, I ain't
never wrestle in one
 of those before, but as you can see... I don't give a fuck.  Wakai's
fat ass may be good at
 eating, but he's gonna find out that when it comes to beating the
shit outta people, I'm
 THE MASTAH~!-
 
[SHO 'NUFF]
 
G:  -and I'm gonna take pride in turning Nobu's Ice Cream Parlor into
my very own House o'
 Horrors.
 
Think I'm lying?
 
Well, fuck you!  I never lie!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA- goodbye.
 
[And as Gremmy puts a bunch of broken glass into the pillowcase, we
fade to black.]

HONEY: Very entertaining, big American star, the Gremlin!

[Fade back to the parlor, where Misaki is now sucking on the bottom of
the cone, much to the
 delight of the male employee.  She notices his glance and returns
with a shy smile.]

MISAKI: I like my ice cream... it's tasty.  Especially here at Takuya
Nobu's Ice Cream
 Parlor!  Come down and visit once we've cleaned up all the damages!

[Misaki notices her ice cream is dripping and shrieks, as she casually
goes back to sucking
 the end.  Honey takes over.]

HONEY: Speaking of people that like ice cream... 

[Fade in on an extremely messy table.  Half-eaten cupcakes are all
over the place, chicken
 bones have cascaded over the edges and onto the floor, and at least
30 plates hold the
 remains of meals that never even stood a chance.]
 
Voice (off screen):  Uuuuuuuungh.
 
[The camera does a quick pan left, through the ice cream carton
equivalent of the Trail of
 Tears, and finally rests on an incredibly, grotesquely fat man.  The
man, whose extremely
 curly jet black hair is worn in a combination afro/high top fade
style, is seated on the
 floor, his massive legs, clad in orange tights, splayed out in front
of him.  Much of the
 man's face and torso is covered with ice cream.  The camera holds a
still shot of the man
 for a solid minute before he so much as moves.  Even then, it is only
to pick a small piece
 of chicken from his ice-cream splattered face and shove it into his
mouth.]
 
Man:  Urggggh...  can't...  stop...  training.
 
[The man, with visible effort and discomfort, raises himself to his
feet.  The camera
 follows him as he lethargically makes his way to the refrigerator. 
The man opens the door,
 and then stares blankly into the refrigerator for a moment before
swaying and going
 face-down on one of the shelves.  Fade to black.]

MISAKI: Wow, art imitates life!

[Fade back in, where Honey is handing two ice cream cones to One Ton
Wakai!]

MISAKI: One Ton Wakai is here... but where's the Gremlin?

[Suddenly, an ice cream truck crashes through the window, causing both
Misaki and Honey to
 scream rather loudly... but Wakai stands stone-faced, calmly
clinching the cones... until
 the Gremlin steps out of the truck... and even then, he only takes a
brief lick of the
 chocolate cone.]

|     PROFESSIONAL INDEPENDENT COMBAT ORGANIZATION      |
|                                                       |
|               HYPER DEATH SCRAMBLE '03                |
P      TAKUYA NOBU'S ICE CREAM PARLOR DEATH MATCH!      P
I          THE GREMLIN                                  I
C                        VERSUS                         C
O                                 ONE TON WAKAI         O
|           FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE IN THE STORE!          |
|                                                       |
|     PROFESSIONAL INDEPENDENT COMBAT ORGANIZATION      |

[The Gremlin storms out of the truck, wielding a nail-studded baseball
bat, and charges at
 Wakai, swinging for the rib cage... and Wakai gladly takes the shot
just so he can shove
 the two cones, ice cream-first, into Gremmy's eyes!]

MISAKI: I dropped my cone!

HONEY: Illegal tactics... wait, they are legal, right?  Never mind!

MISAKI: And I liked it, too... it was orange sherbet.

[The Gremlin rather angrily rips the cones from his face, then takes
another swing with the
 bat, this time connecting with Wakai's bicep(?).  Wakai flinches only
slightly as the nails
 penetrate his skin, as Gremmy just lets the bat hang on the arm as he
goes to fetch more
 toys.]

HONEY: Oh, Mr. Nobu is going to be so mad at us... 

MISAKI: I wonder what's in that truck?

[CLIP!  We see Gremlin fishing around inside the truck through the
windshield, as Wakai
 enters the door, only to get what appears to be an empty beer keg
thrown at his skull!]

MISAKI: Beer keg... in an ice cream truck?!

HONEY: I think the Gremlin tinkered with the contents of the truck! 
That sort of thing
 isn't supposed to be in there!

[Wakai stumbles out of the truck, now bleeding from the forehead, as
the Gremlin comes out
 with a lead pipe with broken glass glued to it!  Wakai reaches over
the counter where our
 intrepid commentators are housed and grabs a dish full of hot fudge
sauce, stopping to dip
 his fingers in the fudge... but the Gremlin's too fast, as he kicks
the fudge directly into
 the face of Wakai, sending it splattering everywhere.]

MISAKI: How messy!

HONEY: I think you got some on your shirt, Misaki!

MISAKI: Chocolate or blood?  I like them both!

[Misaki giggles disturbingly, as the Gremlin grinds the glass-covered
pipe onto the arm of
 Wakai, causing him to scream in pain.]

HONEY: This is a bit much!

[CLIP!  Wakai is now bleeding heavily from the arm, as Tommy Kitazawa,
now dressed in as a
 shift manager of the parlor instead of a basketball referee, tries to
inspect his cut...
 but the Gremlin casually picks her up and moves her out of the way. 
Wakai takes this time
 to connect with a few sumo-style slaps, only to see it have no effect
on the Gremlin.]

MISAKI: Wakai is a brave fighter, but the Gremlin is very strong!

HONEY: And he's got lots of toys!

[The Gremlin reaches into the truck briefly enough to pull out a
strand of barbed-wire,
 which he promptly wraps around the throat of Wakai!  Wakai tries to
get his fingers
 underneath the wire, but instead tries to duck around, finding
himself choking even more.
 Kitazawa tries to check for a submission, but Wakai executes an
extremely sloppy release
 German suplex!]

MISAKI: Wakai fights!

HONEY: And he made the Gremlin angry!

[As Wakai drags himself to his feet, the Gremlin is waiting for him...
wrapping the
 barbed-wire around his own arm.  Wakai turns around... ]

"THHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWAP!!!!"

MISAKI: NECK CUTTER!

[Wakai almost... _almost_ does a complete 360 from the sheer force of
the clothesline, as
 the Gremlin makes the decision to cover his bloodied foe... Kitazawa
makes a very careful
 count so she doesn't cut her hand on the broken glass!]




ONE!!!!




TWO!!!!




THR... !!!!




HONEY: Kickout by Wakai!  He's tough!

MISAKI: The Gremlin isn't done!

[Gremmy shrugs, as a sick smile develops on his face... CLIP!]

MISAKI: Watch out!!

[Misaki and Honey dive for cover, as the Gremlin tosses Wakai through
the glass display case
 right where they were standing!  The Gremlin picks up a tub of
softened orange sherbet and
 slams it against wakai's head, leaving the tub on top of Wakai's
head, jammed into the
 tasty delight!]

HONEY: Perhaps he's eating?

[CLIP!  Wakai is now bent over near the open hood of the ice cream
truck, still with the tub
 of sherbet on his head, as the Gremlin begins to viciously slam the
hood across Wakai's
 back!]

MISAKI: How much can Wakai stand?!

[CLIP!  The Gremlin's favorite toy - bricks - come out of the truck
via a pillowcase, as
 Gremmy starts to recklessly chuck them at Wakai once he takes the tub
off his head.  Wakai
 gets pelted with seven bricks in the chest and stomach!  CLIP!  The
Gremlin takes the male
 employee that was watching Misaki earlier by the collar and
lawn-dart-throws him at Wakai,
 with the flailing employee accidentally kneeing Wakai in the jaw!]

MISAKI: Aww, that little boy was cute, too.

HONEY: The Gremlin is violent!  I hope he doesn't come after us!

MISAKI: It's okay, I know where the emergency exit is!

[CLIP!  The Gremlin cinches in a claw hold... ]

HONEY: Oh no... 

MISAKI: SOMETHING AWFUL!!

[And slams Wakai through a small table, before dropping down and
covering him!]




ONE!!!!!!




TWO!!!!!!!!!




THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




[Misaki takes an ice cream scoop and clangs it against the counter,
signifying that the
 match is over.]

|     PROFESSIONAL INDEPENDENT COMBAT ORGANIZATION      |
|                                                       |
|               HYPER DEATH SCRAMBLE '03                |
P      TAKUYA NOBU'S ICE CREAM PARLOR DEATH MATCH!      P
I       [O] THE GREMLIN                                 I
C                  (7'21", Something Awful)             C
O                                 ONE TON WAKAI [X]     O
|           FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE IN THE STORE!          |
|                                                       |
|     PROFESSIONAL INDEPENDENT COMBAT ORGANIZATION      |

[We then fade to the PICO logo... then to black.]