Re: OT: Bone-headed things to do when pulled over

Just recently, Tagger declared:
> The Prisoner Letter

Part Two:


Son of The Prisoner Letter
In which "The Real Mr. Excitement" strikes again.
Another classic true story from the Big Show Mailbag archives

Dear John Boy & Billy:

How are you boys doing? As for me, well -- not too good. As you can see 
from my return address, I am once again a guest of the state. It seems 
like no matter where I go, the police are always showing up and ruining 
my day.

This time, me and my wife were having a little "debate" in the liquor 
store parking lot when several officers showed up wanting to mediate. 
Needless to say, I didn't appreciate the intrusion because I just about 
had this debate won. I informed the officers that I had the situation 
well in hand and that their assistance was not required.

About his time, Sherlock Holmes sprang the million-dollar-question: "Mr. 
Newton, have you been drinking?" Now these boys seemed a bit uptight, so 
I figured maybe a little humor would ease the tension. So I replied, 
"All my life, wanna fight about it?" Apparently these boys weren't Big 
Show listeners, because they didn't find this humorous one little bit. 

At this point, Sherlock informed me that I was under arrest and 
instructed me to place my hands on the car. You know me: in for a dime, 
in for a dollar, so I decided to debate this issue as well. I asked what 
I was being charged with. Sherlock replied "disorderly conduct". I was 
sort of unprepared to debate on this issue, so the best response I could 
come up with was, "Disorderly conduct?! I'll show you some disorderly 
conduct!!!" And thus began 'Slamboree II'.

I got off to a pretty good start, but I should have known from last time 
that them sum-beaches wouldn't fight fair. It was just a matter of time 
before the sticks, mace, and heavy flashlights came into play, dashing 
my hopes of a victory.

After 'Slamboree II', the officers were kind enough to give me a lift to 
the hospital, where I spent the next six hours getting patched up. I 
would like to thank the nurse who brought me a plate of ribs to eat 
while the doctor was waiting on me to sober up. Although, it's pretty 
tricky eating ribs with your hands cuffed together through the rails of 
a hospital bed.

Anyway, after about a month in jail, I got my day in court. Even though 
I'm no Perry Mason, I felt confident that I could handle this one by 
myself. I proceeded to explain to the judge that at the time of my 
"unlawful" arrest that I was simply exercising my right to freedom of 
speech as provided to me by the constitution of these great Unites 
States of America, and therefore, all charges should be dismissed. Well, 
the judge pondered my argument for about...ten seconds, then informed me 
that the constitution did indeed allow for freedom of speech, however 
this did not extend to slurred speech in a public parking lot while 
holding an open bottle of liquor. He then sentenced me to one year.

Once again, I have learned a few things from my experience. And they 
are:

A. if you try to eat ribs while you are drunk and have your hands cuffed 
together through the rails of a bed, you're gonna get BBQ sauce all over 
your dang self and there's no way to wipe it off.

B. If you are highly intoxicated and need a ride, don't call your wife, 
call a cab.

C. When "debating" with police officers, always, always wear a helmet.

Well, I'm going to close for now. Y'all do me a favor, and next time you 
talk to Flair, tell him I'll be getting out in September and could use a 
tag-team partner with his experience. Tell him although there ain't 
really any money in it, if you pick the right location, you do get a 
pretty good size crowd. Y'all keep 'em straight up there.

Love Ya, Mean It,
The Real Mr. Excitement


-- 
===================
Tagger
'95 RM250

8:48 RIP