Re: Ladies, please my I have some volunteers?

Lane Gray, Czar Castic wrote:
> Phil Smith <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> cleared that pesky dry throat, 
> glanced nervously around, and (and I'm not making this up) declared:
>
> > Today Donald Welsh wrote in rec.humor.oracle.d:
> >
> > > On Sat, 29 Nov 2003 00:58:48 +1100, Donald Welsh wrote:
> > > > On Thu, 27 Nov 2003 05:14:16 +0000, TimC wrote:
> > > >> Richard Fitzpatrick (aka Bruce) was almost, but not quite, entirely
> > > >> unlike tea:
> > > >>> Doctor seeks women to test 'Orgasmatron':
> > > >>>    A US doctor is seeking female volunteers to
> > > >>>    test an Orgasmatron, an implanted device that
> > > >>>    will trigger instant ecstasy.
> > > >>>
> > > >>> http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/s998093.htm
> > > >>>
> > > >>> Damn, just when I thought I had the market cornered.
> > > >>>
> > > >>> One major con, one major pro.  The Con: it's "no riskier than having
> > > >>> an epidural".  The Pro: it "can be switched on and off with a remote
> > > >>> control."
> > >
> > > I've heard about having trouble getting a date, but when you go to the
> > > trouble of building an orgasm machine and still don't get any takers,
> > > that's a new low.
> >
> >
> > Now, I have to question the accuracy of the following, but according to
> > the BBC "the gadget most likely to attract the attention of the opposite
> > sex is the Segway, in a magazine poll of the year's top gizmos."
> >
> > There was no mention of the source for this statistic.
> >
> > (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/3247452.stm if you really want to
> > read it.)
> I'd just say that would get marked up to the fact that few guys would 
> have the guts to carry a Sybian around.
That's not the handle!

(Ah, the sheer elegance of electro-stim!)

And how would Ron Popeil handle...er, push...nonono, peddle...well, 
market the Orgazm-O-Matic?

"Yes! Not only do you get 12 standard preset routines on the 'All Time 
Greatest Moves' CD-ROM--"

"That's right, Ron! What I like to call, 'History's Dirty Dozen'!"

"Heh-heh! But you can also--you don't really, do you?"

"Sure do! And it's quite a 'package' if ya know what I mean!"

"Heh-heh...Well...and we're giving that away for free?"

"You bet, Ron! Only not in some counties of Georgia..."

"Hey, maybe they're on somebody's Christmas list...somebody out-of-state..."

"...or at least out of county!"

"Yes! That could work...that could work...but it's included at no extra 
charge..."

"You are correct, sir! It's 100% included, with the easy payment plan..."

"But as I was saying, not only do you get the 'History's Greatest Moves 
CD-ROM,' containing 12 no-fuss, no-muss, preset, preprogrammed high 
quality routines..."

"Good thing *I*'m not that CD-ROM! I can hardly contain *myself* as it is!"

"But you can...heh!...you can also PROGRAM your OWN, using our special 
heuristic feedback interface--what we like to call the 'Orgazm-O-Matic 
Teach Me Tonight Sweet Mac Daddy Mind Reader!'"

"But isn't that an extra?"

"It's an extra VALUE--according to all reports *I*'ve heard--but it 
won't cost our customers a penny more. It's 100% included in our special 
Triple X-mas Stocking-Stuffer offer!"

"Wow! So what you're saying is: I get the Orgazm-O-Matic..."

"Uh-huh..."

"I get the 'All-Time Greatest Moves CD-ROM'..."

"That's right!"

"AND I get the 'Orgazm-O-Matic Teach Me Tonight Sweet Mac Daddy Mind 
Reader?'"

"Would I lie to you?"

"And it's all included for just four easy payments of $69.69 a month?"

"Pretty good, huh?"

"Pretty good!? That's INCREDIBLE!!!"

vo (Don Pardo-style):
"But wait! That's not all!"

"It's not!?"

(visual: "Ordering Info" placard)

VO continues:

"Order in the next twenty minutes and receive --AT NO ADDITIONAL COST TO 
YOU--the Angus Deayton Remote Control!"

(visual: grow-in "Grinning Angus with Remote" inset LR corner)

VO:

"Vacuous, superficial, and always innocuously cheerful Angus is the 
perfect companion to your Orgazm-O-Matic Mega Super Value Pak!"

(visual: shrink-out "G A w/R" inset)

"So not only do you get the Orgazm-O-Matic..."

(visual: "OOM" illus UL corner)

"the 'Dirty Dozen: History's Greatest Moves CD-ROM'..."

(visual: "CD-ROM J-Card Front" illus cascade)

"AND 'Orgazm-O-Matic Teach Me Tonight Sweet Mac Daddy Mind Reader' 
included with your purchase..."

(visual: "Mind Reader Cap and Control Housing" illus cascade)

"But also the Angus Deayton Orgazm-O-Matic Special Edition Remote 
Control..."

(visual: grow-in "Grinning Angus with Remote" illus full-screen center)

"...but remember--only if you order in the next twenty minutes!"

(visual: shrink-out "Grinning Angus with Remote" illus center,
revealing "Order Info" placard)

"Operators are standing by--so order NOW!"

...