Puns of the Weak Part 3 The Puns

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending:  11-28-03 Part 3 The Puns

                        JEST FOR KIDS

Why are baseball players so rich?
        Because they play on diamonds! (Mike, 9)

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
        A red carnation. (Carol Silver)

What did the thief get for stealing the calendar? 
        Twelve months. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

Why was the computer so good at golf?
        Because it had a hard drive! ( Kyle, 10)

What is a bulldozer?
        Someone who sleeps while a politician is making a speech.. (Kid’s Jokes) 

How did everyone know the volcano was angry?
        Because it was fuming. (Mike Artell)

What did one plate say to the other?
        The foods on me tonight. (Nikki, 8)

What did the knight’s mother say to her son at bedtime?
        Nighty Knight (Walker, 7)

Why was the apple tree sad?
        Because it was always getting picked on (Sam, 8)

Why is it hard to keep a bank robbery secret? 
        Because so many people who work in the bank are tellers. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
        She couldn't control her pupils.  (Carol Silver)

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
        Deviled eggs.  (Carol Silver)

Why did the boxer wear gloves to bed?
        Because he wanted to hit the sack! (Allie, 13)

Why were the walls arrested?
        Because they were holding up the ceiling. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

Why did the fly fly
        Because the spider spied her. (Keayva, 11)

Why is it dangerous to play cards in the jungle?
        Because of all the cheetahs. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

How to you organize a spacey party?
        You planet.(Daily Groaner) 

What is a briefcase?
        A short law suit. (Kid’s Jokes) .

What do you call a flying primate?
        A hot air baboon! (Rilene, 11)

Did you hear about the farmer who wrote dirty letters?
        He used a pig pen. (Mike Benny)

Did you hear about the knitting needle that told
jokes? 
        It could keep you in stitches. (Mike Benny)

Where do fish go on a date?
        To a dive in movie! (Ashley, 9)

Did you hear about the school bus that had to repeat a grade?
        Its brakes failed. (Mike Benny)

What's special about leaving your ice cream in Death Valley?
        You desert your dessert in the desert. (Mike Artell)

What kind of candy would a doomed prisoner like to have before he is
hanged? 
        A Life Saver. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
        A piano.  (Carol Silver)

How do you make cool music? 
        Put your CDs in the fridge! (Pallavi, 11)

Why should you never iron a four leaf clover? 
        You shouldn't press your luck. (Daily Groaner) 

What do you get if you cross a parrot and a centipede?
        A walkie talkie (Daily Groaner) 

 What's black and white and red all over?
        A newspaper! (Susan,  7)

What fish do pelicans eat?
        Anything that fits the bill.. (Kid’s Jokes)

What did the doctor ask the bananas?
        “Are you pealing OK?” (Tiger, 4)

How do you know when it's raining cats and dogs? 
        When you step in a poodle! (Joe, 14)

What happens when a Dalmatian comes out of the shower?
        It’s spotless (Adilene, 11)

How do rabbits travel?
        By hareplane (Jose, 8)

Why did the monster cry on Halloween? 
        Because he missed his mummy (Julian, 7)

One of our pigs was sick so I gave him some sugar.
        Sugar! What for?
Haven't you ever heard of sugar-cured ham? (Daily Groaner) 

                        COMICS

“You x-ray the luggage at the airport, right?” “Yup! Although my wife would
be much better at it than me.” “Why’s that?” “She can see through
anything!” (Shoe: Cassett & Brookins) 

Piano moving causes musical strains. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Dogs and owners in Vet waiting room . Sign says “Neuters”:  “Boy, talk 
about a  fixed income.” (Mother Goose and Grimm: Mike Peters)  

Numismatists  have coinal knowledge.  (Graffiti: Gene Mora) 

What is the collective noun for a group of accountants?
        A balance (Ginger Meggs: James  Kemsley)

Phoebe makes a nice save: “Mom, when I said your turkey was too dry, I
didn’t mean your cooking, I meant your new boy friend,”  (Off the Mark:
Mark Parisi) 

Dog sniffing a fire hydrant: “I always take a moment to remember those who
have gone before me. (Mother Goose and Grimm: Mike Peters)  

For family harmony, space out your children - about two rooms apart.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)

Chicken to another: “So the kids are gone, big deal. Tomorrow, you’ll lay
more - Is it really necessary to go through the drama of the empty-nest
syndrome after collection time every single day?” (Rubes: Leigh Rubin)

                        ONE-LINERS:

The other day I went to the bookstore to buy a dictionary. The clerk showed
me a really cheap one. I couldn't find the words to thank him. (Douglas Helsel)

She wanted to be a weaver but there were always too many snags (Pun of the
Day)  

Three demented perverts discovered they were each stalking the same  woman.
They decided to pool their resources in an attempt to abduct her. "After
all," said one. "We're all in this to get her." (Gary Hallock)

At the Fisherman's Wharf Seaside Church, the sturgeon sang matins, the tuna
did vespers, and the salmon chanted evening. (Michael Wiesenberg)

The roman stone mason described his principal competitor as an arch rival.
(Gary Hallock)

In 1939 Loads of sand were sent to New Orleans. They got it dirt cheap.
(Daryl Stout) 

A beautiful young lady tugged constantly at her dress and wiggled
uncomfortably. Obviously, a chafing dish! (Bennett Cerf)

You are likely to find thermometers at stores that hire a lot of temps (Bob Dvorak)

When the tabby cuddled on her lap, she was feline fine. (Jumble: Arnold &
Argirlon)  

The original “King Kong” was a Fay Wrey tale. (Stan Kegel)

In 1868 The first railroad conductor was hired. He had to read the training
manual. (Daryl Stout) 

A worried dog owner demanded of a busy vet, "What should I do if my dog has
 ticks?" The vet dismissed him with, "Don't wind him!" (Bennett Cerf)

After a post office fire, do you think that many townspeople would be
black-mailed? (Douglas Helsel)

A worker in a violin repair shop restrings an average of ten violins a day.
That takes guts. (Bennett Cerf)

On Sesame Street, you’ll see Ernie usually calm but Oscar Wilde. (Stan Kegel)

A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.  (Mike Bull) 

A knight on a horse ready for a bout is in a joust a position. (Gary Reeves )

She couldn't help throwing up at funerals. She was suffering from Mourning
Sickness! (Judy K.)

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the
driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?" (William Brabant) 

I'd like to open up a store in which I'd sell second-hand camping
equipment. I think I'll call it "Past Tents". (Pam Dilbeck/ The
International Save the Pun Foundation) 

He applied for a job to sell footwear because he figured it would be a
shoe-in. (Pun of the Day) 

For the annual carnival days, the town hoped for Fair weather (Jumble:
Arnold & Argirlon)  

How prophetic L’Enfant was when he laid out Washington, D. C., as a city
that goes around in circles. (John Mason Brown)

If Mona Lisa's mother were Jewish, she'd have said, "Mona, bubeleh, after
all the money your father and I spent on your brace, that's the biggest
smile you can give us?" (Burt Juda)

As sharp as women have become today, a husband trying to pull the wool over
his wife's eyes better have some damn good yarn. (Judy K.)

I'm really concerned about the feel of my feet. But then again, I've always
found arches' texture fascinating. (Bob Dvorak)

Did you hear that the Polish government bought 1,000 septic tanks? As soon
as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade Russia. (Curt Dayton)

When Stevie Wonder took the stage at the Kennedy Center, President Bush
waved to him. Realizing his faux pas, President Bush turned to his wife and
said, "Oh my God, do you think he saw that?" (Gard Webster)

He took a nail to the volleyball game because he wanted to spike it. (Pun
of the Day) 

Is a "crowbar" where Poe met "The Raven,"  for a drink?  ( Dave Tozier/The
International Save the Pun Foundation)

In 1965 Seventy prisoners in San Quentin broke out with the measles. (Daryl
Stout) 

Shoddy work will unravel a tailor’s sales (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)  

Daylight Savings Time in Germany was started by Konrad Add-an-hour (Stan Kegel)

In 1449 The first king was inaugurated. He wore a reign coat. (Daryl Stout) 

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. 
These, of course, are only round figures. (Marsha Coleman)  

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to
find anybody who'll take what I have to give. (Cass Daley)

Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.  (Mike Bull) 

As a surgeon he was famous for his short cuts. (Pun of the Day) 

A large busted woman in a halter top is in a chesty position. (Gary Reeves)

All the puppies in an Alaskan city recently were expelled. Ever since, it's
been known as Dogless Fairbanks! (Bennett Cerf)

These 2 atoms were walking around when one atom says to the other one,
"hey!  I think I lost an electron!" The other atom says "are you sure?"  He
replies "yes, I'm positive"(Daily Groaner) 

                        DEFINITIONS:

Beriberi: A double funeral (Rosalie Moscovitch)

Lemonade: Government program to repair defective automobiles. (Judy K.)

Tutor: Tuba player in the marching band (Stan Kegel)

Texts: The people you call for help when your computer crashes (Cynthia MacGregor)

Thesis: Abbreviation for “The Sister.” (Douglas D. Drill)

Anthropology: Monkey business (Hal Stebbins)

Buckshot: Another dollar wasted (Rosalie Moscovitch)

Freshman: Guy on a date with a sorority girl (Stan Kegel)

Administration: Happens to a woman once a month (Cynthia MacGregor)

Balsam: Cry a little  (Rosalie Moscovitch)

Theater: A place where ham is served at exorbitant prices.  (Hal Stebbins)

Term Paper: Sheets passed out on first day of class defining words unique
to this course (Stan Kegel)

Administration: Happens to a woman once a month (Cynthia MacGregor)

Umbrella: A devise to keep your powder dry. (Hal Stebbins)

Ransack: Participate in a picnic sack race. (Douglas Drill)

Student Union: 2AM in the coed dorm. (Bob Dvorak)

Banquet: When it rained on Washington Mutual  (Rosalie Moscovitch)

Bra: A lift without a letdown (Hal Stebbins)

Thunderhead: A toilet with noisy plumbing (Douglas Drill)

Slide Rules: Playground instructions (Stan Kegel)

Texts: The people you call for help when your computer crashes (Cynthia MacGregor)

Aperitifs: Two holdup men (Rosalie Moscovitch)

X-ray: A  source of inside information   (Hal Stebbins)

                        POETRY

 The gnu's a bit shaggy, it's true,
 But well known and quite popular, too.
        In France he's adored,
        But Italians are bored,
 And frequently ask, "What's a gnu?"
        (Jim Ertner) 

 Using Holy books
        To call for Holy war is
                Badly myth-informed. 
                        (Ken Pinkham)

When he married, he knew he'd found bliss,
 And the guideline he used was just this:
        If a widow you choose,
        There is no way to lose.
 It's for sure that you won't wed a-miss.
        (Kirk Miller)

Of the pride he'd taken command --
 The widowered lion most grand.
        He summoned an artist
        To provide him, a goddess.
 The guy drew a lion in the sand.
        (Bob Dvorak)

                        OTHER SPECIALTY PUNS

Incubate: The octopus thinks it's funny to take the sheep fishing and
INCUBATE. (Rose Katz)

Emergency: Stop hiding in your cave. Why don't you EMERGENCY the daylight?
(Cynthia MacGregor)

History: In spite of the videotapes, he won’t change HISTORY that he is
being framed. (Stan Kegel)

Gregorian:  The director couldn't decide whether to cast Kinnear or
McKellan. He just had to pick GREGORIAN! (Benjamin Ziek)

Yale: Southern contraction, as in, "YALE come back now, ya heah?" (Bob Dvorak)

Semester: When a female makes a shambles of things, as in, "SEMESTER whole
schedule up by signing up for that course." (Cynthia MacGregor)

Himalayan: My husband is very lazy. That’s HIMALAYAN on the couch over
there. (Stan Kegel)

Hatchet: When I presented my fedora to the check girl, she gave me my
HATCHET. (Benjamin Ziek)

Mascot: physics term, as in, "MASCOT critical" (Bob Dvorak)

Lecture: To allow something pertaining to you, as in "LECTURE self sleep
during the professor's talk. I'll loan you my notes later." (Cynthia MacGregor)

Hatchet: Our science project is to incubate a duck egg and HATCHET. (Stan Kegel)

Elixir: "Jack is quite a lady's man, does he have a secret love potion?"
"No, ELIXIR." (Ken Pinkham)

Element: Ella talks in circles, I never know what ELEMENT. (Rose Katz)

Improve: She made IMPROVE he was telling the truth before she would forgive
him. (Stan Kegel)

Fallacy:  The flasher thru open his raincoat and said, "This is my
FALLACY.!" (Ken Pinkham)

Pizza: What Peter is, as in "PIZZA great football player." (Cynthia MacGregor)

Effigy: Some of the keys on my typewriter stick, especially the EFFIGY.
(Gary Hallock)

Illiterate: Don't let your child take candy bars into the forest or
ILLITERATE with the wrappers. (Cynthia MacGregor)

Omar Khayyam: Mark Anthony: “Cleo, are you faithful.“ Cleopatra: “OMAR
KHAYYAM” (Stan Kegel)

Jargon: Mom left a full cookie jar and came home an hour later to finD the
whole JARGON. (Ken Pinkham)

"I feel like such a heel," said Achilles to his mom, as they stood on  the
shore of the archepelego, pondering yet another dip. (Rose Katz)

"Try oomph!" said Tom, archly. (Bob Dvorak)

"My feet hurt," Tom said archly. (Cynthia MacGregor)

"That was an arrow escape," Tom quivered, archly. (James Ertner)

"Forget the burger, I'm off to meet the girls," said Jughead Archiely.
(Gunjan Saraf)

"You never be seein' one of dem butterflies here in Jamaica," said the mon
archily. (Gary Hallock)

The next lodge with any vacancies  is over 50 miles away,” Tom said as a
last resort. (Stan Kegel)

“Are you the doctor,” Tom asked patiently. (Richard Lederer)

“I wish I were taller,” Tom whispered longingly. (Paul Dickson)

She was only a waitress's daughter, but she sure could dish it out . (Paul
Dickson) 

She was only a conductor's daughter, but she told you where to get off.
(Paul Dickson)

She was only a quarryman's daughter, but she took everything for granite.
(Paul Dickson) 

She was only a poet's daughter, but I've seen verse. (Paul Dickson) 

She was only a window dresser's daughter, but she was no dummy.. (Paul Dickson)

Gene Wilder: A devise to cause rapid mutations. (Stan Kegel)

Brittany Spears: Weapons used in first English invasion of northern France.
(Stan Kegel)

Willy Brandt: Tattooing the members of exhibitionists for easier
identification (Stan Kegel)

Tuesday Welds:  The frames of cars made on the second workday of the week.
(Stan Kegel)

Art Carney: The injury due to constant kneeling while custom painting
automobiles. (Stan Kegel)

Old crapshooters never die, they just fade away. (Paul Dickson)

Old gardeners never die, they just spade away. (Paul Dickson)

Old placekickers never die, they just go on missing the point. (Lou Gr za)  

Old poker players never die, they are just discarded. (Paul Dickson)  

Old accountants never die, they're just disfigured. (Paul Dickson)

Old auctioneers never die, they just look forbidding. (Paul Dickson)

Sign in a public men's lavatory: "We aim to please. Won't you aim too,
please?" (Richard Lederer) 

Confucius says, "he who eat crackers in bed, have crummy sleep." (Curly
David) 

Confucius says, "No man is island, but some women are whales." (Curly
David) 

Confucius says, "Man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of
self." (Curly David) 

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been laid on more kitchen floors than
linoleum.  (Archives)

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's responsible for more merry men than
Robin Hood.  (Archives) 

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's turned more tricks than David
Copperfield.  (Archives) 

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been boarded more times than Amtrak.  (Archives)

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's done more screwing than Black and
Decker.  (Archives) 

Waiter, there’s a hair in my dinner.”
“Yes, sir, that’s because its rabbit stew.” (Archives)