NJJF: Puns of the Weak Part 1 The News

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending:  11-28-03 Part 1: The News
 
                        IN THE NEWS

Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175,000 salary and
will work for free. I believe he will be worth every penny. (Craig Kilborn) 

According to the Santa Barbara police report, Michael Jackson is 5' 11" but
weighs 125 pounds. He's really skinny. Apparently, Michael is able to keep
his weight down because he always orders from the children's menu. (conan O'Brien)

In Iraq, the terrorists are now firing missiles from donkey carts and
working on plans for suicide donkeys. I guess these are the high-tech
weapons President Bush was talking about. Let's say they do use suicide
donkeys, now would that be “weapons of ass destruction”? (Jay Leno)

Because he once painted raunchy nudes of Camilla, Charles now wantsto be
referred to as "the Prince Formerly Known as Artist." (Chris White)

Alledgedly one night, after too many glasses of port, Prince Charles was
caught carousing in Piccadilly and asking young women if they'd like to see
"Buckingham Phallus." (Chris White)

Michael Jackson is reportedly in big financial trouble. He's become a
bargain shopper. He likes to find boys pants half off. (Alan Ray)

A couple of hours ago, President Bush arrived back in the United States
after a controversial trip to England. The president said he was looking
forward to seeing his loved ones. Of course he was talking about the
reporters at Fox News. (Conan O'Brien)

The Supreme Court agreed to rule whether the Pledge of Allegiance can
mention the Divine. That's not the problem. As long as teachers keep
telling kids that the Divine isn't black or white or a man or a woman, kids
are going to keep thinking he's Michael Jackson.(Argus Hamilton)  

President Bush pardoned the national turkey the other day. How is this odd
looking bird like the White House's energy policy? Neither will fly. (Alan Ray)

Bayer released a brand-new anti-impotence drug called Levitra in England on
Tuesday. It's advertised to be good for five to six hours at a time. Tony
Blair bought up the entire first shipment to keep the Labor Party from
going soft on Iraq. (Judy K.)

In a new marketing strategy, a toymaker and a dairy company have joined
forces to manufacture an all natural, edible modeling clay for the little
ones. It's called Yoplait-Doh. (Rose Katz)

Last night in London, President Bush had dinner at Buckingham Palace with
Queen Elizabeth and the Prince of Wales. Everything was going fine until
the president told the Prince of Wales, “I loved free Willy.” (Conan O'Brien)

Michael Jackson was booked in Santa Barbara on a charge of lewd conduct
with a minor Thursday. It was inevitable. This is what happens when
therapists in Los Angeles tell the wrong person that they need to get in
touch with their inner child. (Argus Hamilton)  

President Bush and Queen Elizabeth have a lot in common -- they both came
into power without being elected. (David Letterman)

This morning the Senate passed the  president’s big prescription drug
benefit bill. The bill will help 40 million Americans. The president said
that everyone should have the  same right to prescription drugs as Rush 
Limbaugh. (Conan O'Brien)

Thanksgiving is Thursday. Historians say the white man's prayer was not
acknowledged by the Indians at that first dinner. "God bless this land for
which we are about to steal." (Alan Ray)

Simon & Garfunkel performed their reunion tour show to sold- out crowds in
Los Angeles last week. The concert scene has really changed. You can still
get drugs in the backstage dressing room, only now there is a twenty-five
percent co-pay. (Argus Hamilton)  

The Bush administration announced today that it is changing the Republican
Party emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the party's
political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production,
destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a
sense of security while you're actually being screwed. (Jim Saunders)

When I tried to contact Yahoogroups, I accidently  typed in “Yahoogropes”
and got the California governor’s official web page. (Gary Reeves)

There's little doubt that the new California governor will have some women
under him working on his staff. If any woman of them try to make claims
"sexual harassment," he's likely to just terminator. If another one tries
it, He'll Terminator II. (Gary Hallock)

NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue asked ESPN to cancel its hit drama
Playmakers, about a fictional NFL team. The show is way too accurate. Not
only are the players involved in spousal battery, cocaine smoking,
adultery, homosexuality and steroid use, but the first downs are measured
by real chain gangs. (Argus Hamilton)  

"The trend seems to be that it will continue to grow," says Jan Hall,
president of Neutrogena in North America, who says beauty companies are
developing even more specialized products for men But back in San Juan,
Marta Rodriguez says some men go too far. "I don't like how a lot of the
men are making their eyebrows so thin. Sometimes they look like girls," the
29-year-old jeweler says. So, will men stop at nothing to be beautiful?
Bikini wax," says Soto. "That's where I draw the line." (Fox News/ Lou Stewart)

French President Jacques Chirac is apologizing for defects in his country's
health service that left more than 10,000 people dead in the recent heat
wave. But Chirac says he's mostly sorry because he couldn't find any way to
blame the tragedy on the United States. (Jason Novak)

The FDA has approved the new impotence fighting drug Levitra. It's
marketing will go right after rival Viagra. "Longer lasting." (Gag-O-Matic)