MAY-OFFEND: Puns of the Weak Part 5 The Adult Puns

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending:  11-28-03 Part 5 The Adult Puns

                        FOR ADULTS ONLY: 

Turkey is the traditional main course on Thanksgiving, but do you realize
when the Pilgrims first landed if they had shot a wildcat instead of a
turkey, we would all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving! (Curly David) 

The Pilgrims  always knew the lay of the land-and just where to find her.
(Richard Lederer) 

Confucius says, "Girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick." (Curly
David) 

 A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.
The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he
used these to polish his car with. Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his
stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked: "By the
way, Miss Jane, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?"
Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back
on again!" (Archives)  

Of all my relations, I think I like sex best! (Still More Over Sexteen)

 A very short man was dancing with a very tall woman. He propositioned her,
and all he got was a bust in the mouth. Eventually he went to bed with the
woman, but his friends had to put him up to it. (Richard Lederer) 

Florence and Emily, two pretty young housewives, had arranged to have
cocktails and lunch together, but as soon as they met, Emily could see that
something serious was bothering her friend. "Out with it, Florence," she
commanded. "What's depressing you so?" "I'm ashamed to admit it," Florence
wailed, "but I caught my husband making love." "Why let that bother you?"
laughed Emily. "I got mine the same way." (Playboy)

Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
        He found a hare up his ass. (Paul Cooper)

Confucius says, "men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the
whole, women have more." (Curly David) 

Michael Jackson is off to Florida on holiday this year He's going to Tampa
with the kids. (Haust Javeri)  

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? 
        It's not hard.  (Archives)  

"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home
that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's
arms. Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then
coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax. (William Brabant)

"I used to call my ex "Superman" when we were in bed." "How flattering!"
"Not really! I meant that he was faster than a speeding bullet." (Judy K.)

A man and his wife are watching the boxing on TV. The husband sighs and
says, "I'm disappointed. It was all over in three minutes!" The wife
replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel." (Will Robinson)

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, “If
you build it, they will come.” (Bob Wolk)

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells
the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his
wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and
whether the pig is a male or female."No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says
the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think
I am a freakin queer? (Kurt Dayton)

They are doing a remake of The Exorcist.' This one will be a little
different.  They are going to hire the devil to get the priest out of the
child. (Simply FunE)

In Baltimore Maryland a group of feminists were demonstrating at a  topless
bar. One woman marched around on the sidewalk chanting, "Free women! Free
women!" As I went into the bar, I asked her, "Do you deliver?" (Gag-O-Matic)

A local prostitute was brought before the court for solicitation. The judge
was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming not guilty when
she had been caught in the act by police. The judge questioned her,
expressing her surprise. "I am celibate." the young woman declared.
"Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed. "How can you claim you are
celibate?" "It is my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a
bit there....." (Ms. Kitty)

A guy and this girl are going out. The girl gets involved in a terrible
accident. The guy goes to the hospital and donates some of his blood to
save her life. Two months later they split up. The guy turns round to the
girl and says "I want my blood back". She throws a used tampon at him and
says, "There you go, you can have it in monthly instalments!" (George Haymont)

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. (Miz Carol
Lou) 

Confucius says, "Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment, not get new
key." (Curly David) 

 just bought a new car, it's a pervertable, the top stays up but the driver
goes down. It's made by Oldsmobile, remember the 88, and the 98, well this
one is the urinate, what a pisser. It's a 72 passenger car, 3 in the front
and 69 in the back. (William Brabant)

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting? 
        Sticks it in Olive Oyl.  (Archives)  

 Having received a return from a bachelor executive who claimed a dependent
son, an income-tax inspector sent the form back with a note saying, "This
must be a stenographic error." Back came the report with the added
notation: "You're telling me!" (Judy K.)

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he
couldn't. (Miz Carol Lou)  

Sam was recovering in hospital from prostate surgery. To make matters
worse, his surgeon had told him that it would be six weeks before he could
be sexually active again. Aaron visited him to wish him well. Morty visited
him to wish him a speedy recovery. His partner Abe visited his wife. (Burt Juda)

The last time I was in our local hospital for a complete check- up. A nurse
came in at 11:00 AM, and brought me some soup for lunch. but I refused it.
At 2:00 PM, they again tried to serve me some soup, which I refused. Again,
at 5:00PM and 7:00 PM, they tried, and both times, not being much of a soup
 n preparation for the next day's test, they entered my room at 3:00 AM,
4:30 AM, and 6:00 AM and without bothering to wake me up, they gave me an
enema each time before I was even half awake. Let me tell you, if you ever
have to go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you
refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass! (LOL
Lewd Lines)