The God Squad

D y n a m i c D e i t y M a n a g e m e n t L t d .
=========================================================
Date :- 3rd May 0023

TO:
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
Judea.

Dear Sirs,


It is Mr.  Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and
publish a biography of him in the near future.  Such a biography would,
he is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were
published in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter
up with the highest authority.  However he can fully understand your
wish to write about his life and will sanction such a project a number
of conditions:

  1.  That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you
      propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'.

  2.  That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin
      Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity.  He
      suggest you utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario.  Mr.  Christ
      realises that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one
      ever went bust underestimating the credibility of the average
      religious zealot.

  3.  That all references to the incident involving the members of
      members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon
      to be exised forthwith.

  4.  That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were.  The actual
      circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough.  An
      accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the
      theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric
      effects of a large cast.

  5.  That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to 'My
      dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love squiggles.'

  6.  That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be
      introduced to give him away to the authorities.  The reality of
      the case, that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent
      exposure, should on no account be discussed.

  7.  And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be
      removed or at least modified.

As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you
should not write and publish your proposed biography although he
doesn't see it as a success himself.  He informs me that he enjoyed
your previous books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and
'Slutslaughter - Slashin' the Winded'.  Your suggested biography of him
appears to be in the same vein and it is for this reason that he must
reject your offer of a profit sharing scheme in return for his
appearing to promote the book.  In any case Mr.  Christ is at the
moment fully occupied with his promotion for 'Shake 'n' Vac'.

Yours sincerely.
Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.

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