Re: OT: Same-sex marriage and Thanksgiving

in article [EMAIL PROTECTED], CindyB at
[EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote on 11/25/03 7:39 PM:


> 
> This has nothing to do with coming out of the closet, but I need to vent.
> Feel free to ignore.
> 
> We have decided to keep Thanksgiving just with our immediate family this
> year.
> 
> Out of my 6 sons, 2 live out of town and cannot come home. Now, my
> 22-year-old son (who lives at home) informed me today that he is going to
> spend the day with a female friend's family. They are not dating and are
> just friends. I am pissed.

Cindy, I don't have any children of my own -- but I *am* someone's child and
I recall how thoughtlessly insensitive I could be to them when I was in my
teens and early 20s. Kids -- they're such an ungrateful lot!

I'm assuming that your relationship with your son is generally good, and
that there's no underlying tension right now that could be the reason for
him opting out of Thanksgiving. If this is true, there are a few reasons he
might want to skip the family Thanksgiving:

(1) This girl whom he's friends with -- are you sure he thinks of her as
"only" a friend? Maybe he wants to get closer to her and start a
relationship. Sharing Thanksgiving dinner would be a perfect way to
ingratiate himself with her and her family.

(2) Maybe he thinks that, since his older brothers aren't coming home, the
family tradition is pretty much out the window anyway. Maybe he's missing
his brothers and sitting around the family table without them there would be
too sad for him. Since his older brothers won't be there, maybe he thinks
you won't mind if he opts out, too.

(3) As I recall, there was a time when I thought *any* family was cooler and
more fun than my own. There were many, many times when I would have rather
spent the holidays with a friend of mine than to hang out with my family.
This is always shown as being so much fun, too -- like on shows such as
"Friends," where nobody spends Thanksgiving with their parents and siblings.
They just have a big bash with their cool friends.

(4) When you're in your early 20s, you start to really spread your wings and
think about starting your *own* traditions. Maybe your son is just
interested in doing something different this year, and seeing how other
families celebrate Thanksgiving.


Having said all this, I can completely understand why you'd be angry and
very hurt by your son's plans. No matter how old he is, he's still your baby
and you want him with you on what is considered a family holiday. As you
say, the day will come soon enough when he'll have obligations to in-laws
and you won't be able to have him at every holiday dinner. And, of course,
you want him to *want* to be with you.

My advice is to talk to him about why you're hurt and upset, and see what
his reasons are for wanting to spend the day with his friend's family. Maybe
you can reach a compromise. Maybe he can spend some time with his friend's
family and then come home to your family in time for dinner.

Best of luck to you, Cindy. I hope you and your son can come to terms on
this, and that you have a great Thanksgiving. If all else fails, eat an
extra helping of mashed potatoes and gravy. That'll make you feel better!

Susan