Review: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, The (2003)

THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN
Rating: 2.5/5 stars.

REVIEW BY JOHN ULMER

With Sean Connery appearing in roughly one film per two years, one would 
think he has the time, or at least would take an interest in choosing 
quality work. But alas, we are subjected to "The Avengers," one of - if not 
the - worst film of the decade...and now...this? Hardly a bad motion 
picture, but then again, hardly an Academy Award Winner.

Believability isn't this film's strongest trait. I came close to 
recommending it a few times - I really did; I wanted to - but there was a 
particular scene involving a car chase through the streets of Venice 
(streets that, like the film critic Roger Ebert stated, do not even exist) 
that literally insulted my intelligence - at least, what little intelligence 
I have. I may not be the smartest person but by George I think that a bit 
more confidence in the audience's knowledge is in store.

Keep in mind that the year is 1899 - automobiles have hardly been invented - 
yet we are shown one zipping around at not 100 miles per hour, through 
streets that never - and don't - exist, past guards who can't seem to be 
able to shoot a cat off a flea's back at two yards, and through pillars and 
windy little crevices and who knows what else; and all the while this 
vehicle is being driven by a young American not twenty-four years old. I'm 
the last person to complain about believability - but this even pushed it 
for me. And I'm the guy who recommended "Commando."

Ah, yes, there is a plot behind this mess, but not a very smart one at all. 
Sean Connery plays Allan Quartermain. With the intended audience of this 
film obviously being little kids and rednecks living in their parents' 
basement in Louisiana with fourth grade educations (you know who you are), 
perhaps the filmmakers thought that they could dupe everyone into believing 
that Allan Quartermain is responsible in part for the creation of the 
quarter. Heck, for the heck of it, let's just say he is - we can't screw up 
facts any more than they already are!

Quartermain is like the father of Indiana Jones - oh, wait, didn't Connery 
play that part already? He's a legendary adventurer responsible for renowned 
events around the world - events never ventured into whatsoever. An emissary 
from England mentions he is the role model for all little boys and the focus 
of all their stories. Perhaps he meant to say the laughing stock. Who knows?

No, seriously, Quartermain has been invited to join "The League of 
Extraordinary Gentleman," a league of gentlemen with extraordinary powers - 
ironically one is a woman. Perhaps a more appropriate - and yes, more 
marketable - title would have been "The League of Extraordinary People Which 
May or May Not Include Hot Women." It sure would be more marketable to the 
male teenagers out there, wouldn't it?

Also in the team are such daring and wonderful characters as Captain Nemo 
(Naseeruddin Shah - say it ten times fast), a retired pirate; Mina Harker 
(Peta Wilson), a she-vampire; Rodney Skinner (Tony Curran), a British 
pickpocket with an obviously low IQ but yet a man who managed to dabble in 
invisibility, hardly an easy subject for those with simple minds, with 
strange results; Dorian Gray (Stuart Townsend), who you may remember is the 
man who remained at ease with his conscience through incidents relating to a 
portrait of his soul; Tom Sawyer (Shane West), one of them thar' American 
folk; and last, but certainly not least in terms of mass, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. 
Hyde (Jason Flemyng and The Incredible Hulk), who bears a striking 
resemblance to both The Hulk and the nightclub gorilla from "Who Framed 
Roger Rabbit" (1988) when morphed.

There are a lot of mistakes in "The League of Extraordinary Gentleman," and 
not all of them have to do with geographical or factual errors. First of 
all, the characters from classic fiction are totally f****ed up. Since when 
was Dorian Gray invincible? In one scene he comes up with bullet holes 
through his body and he never even flinches. As far as I knew his mind was 
at rest with his actions in Oscar Wilde's classic tale, and his age remained 
permanent, but he was hardly ever indestructible; and the thing that got me 
the most was Mr. Hyde. Having read Robert Louis Stevenson's truly wonderful 
tale, I felt cheated by the character shown here - he looked like Shrek and 
a giant gorilla's offspring. Only uglier. I always got the idea from 
Stevenson's text that Mr. Hyde was a bit of a shy, awkward, short character 
who lurked in the shadows and had a disfigured face - this Mr. Hyde is just 
another special effects extravaganza who gets to wipe out hoards of enemy 
soldiers like bowling pins with one mighty swing of a forearm. And since 
when did he get to choose when he wanted to turn back into Dr. Jekyll? I 
always assumed it happened involuntarily...

To be honest, this isn't a terribly bad film, but there are a few low-points 
that, if they were combined together without the stretches of "okay-ness" in 
between, would result in one of the most horrific films of the last two 
decades. The movie insulted my intelligence many times, particularly with 
the Venice car chase, which played out more like a testosterone junkie's 
videogame dream rather than anything more intelligent. And then there are 
the disgraceful reinventions of some of the most beloved of all characters.

I'm assuming you've heard of the on-and-off-the-set battles and arguments 
(verbal, I should hope) between the film's director, Stephen Norrington, and 
Sean Connery. When asked at the premiere of "Extraordinary," a reporter 
asked Connery what he thought of his newest film's director. "Let's talk 
about someone I do like," was his smug reply. Looks like there's still some 
of that frisky Bond persona left in the old man.

"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" boasts some extraordinary visual 
effects, but the rest of the film is anything but extraordinary. And I 
really felt cheated when I realized that Mr. Hyde was a big Hulk who could 
change back and forth voluntarily just like the former rather than being the 
darker, more disfigured character Stevenson envisioned. Some day they should 
get a good modern remake of the book with just enough visual effects to make 
him look terrifying but still somewhat human. In the meantime, the director 
of "The Extraordinary League of Gentlemen," Stephen Norrington, may soon be 
receiving a phone call from Stan Lee.

- John Ulmer
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X-RT-RatingText: 2.5/5