Re: Nondescript

"Colin Will" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote in message
news:[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> Nondescript
>
> Where do old men buy beige jackets?
> I've looked in shops, but nobody fashionable
> sells them. There must be a chain,
> a catalogue trader, that specialises in beige.

This is a fun poem.  I enjoyed it.  I do have a few comments, but I
definitely think it is a keeper.

While the frequent use of /beige/ echoes the monotony of the color, I feel
like it is overused.  You may consider replacing a few.  I think that in the
last line of the first stanza /beige/ could be replaced with /the hue/
without danger of ruining the feeling of blandness.

>
> There's a variant - taupe - the colour
> of mushroom soup, but it's still beige,
> a non-colour, the shade of boredom,
> of can't be bothered to be colourful.

I really like the taupe mushroom soup and that /beige/ is only used once in
the stanza.  Should hyphens be inserted inbetween the last six words?  I'm
hazy on the rules.

>
> Beige would be camouflage
> in a dull desert, say the Gobi
> in October, where the wind from the steppes
> blows beige sand over the endless plains.

I'd be inclined to drop /desert/ and use "camouflage/ for the dull Gobi in
October,/ where....  Also, I don't think the /beige/ is needed in the last
line:  "blows sand over..." works fine.

>
> Hopping about among the sparse pale grasses
> little beige rodents burrow, raising offspring
> that hide underground until they become beige,
> and blend in to the buff bald background.

I think it would be a nice tie-in with the camouflage concept of the
previous stanza if you changed "beige rodents" to "khaki rodents."  Also,It
would assonate with the /a/ in grasses and relieve some of the bouncing
/Bs/.  In the same manner, consider using /meld/ in place of /blend/ in the
last line.  All the /Bs/ dilute the effect of 'buff bald background," but
/meld/ still keeps some music in the line by repeating the /ld/ of /bald/.

>
> There must be one redeeming beige feature,
> a character I've missed; a beige fact
> to justify its bland existence.
> I keep looking for beige rainbows.
>
> Colin Will
> 01/12/03

If you reduce the use of /beige/ in the previous stanzas, this last stanza
becomes more effective.  Have you thought about using /neutral/ instead of
/bland/ in the next to last line?  It would have great pun value and slant
ryhmes with /feature/.

Thanks for the read!

Peace
M. Russell Brown