Review: Haunted Mansion, The (2003)

THE HAUNTED MANSION
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Realtor Jim Evers (Eddie Murphy) cannot let a business opportunity go by
much to the chagrin of his business partner wife Sara (Marsha Thomason,
"Black Knight") and kids Megan (Aree Davis) and Michael (Marc John
Jeffries, "Losing Isaiah").  After blowing an anniversary dinner
engagement, Jim promises to take the wife and kids to their cabin on a lake
for the weekend, but once again, money talks and Jim insists on a swing-by
at a lucrative property which turns out to be an overnight adventure at
"The Haunted Mansion."

It's hard to believe that the screenwriter of the confectionery "Elf,"
David Berenbaum, also penned this walking mass of tepid turkey leftovers.
Sitting through "The Haunted Mansion" is about as exciting as watching a
stranger's slide show of their trip to Disneyland.

The opening title sequence shows up the backstory of the mansion's
haunting.  As hundreds of lavishly outfitted guests swish around a
ballroom, a woman dies of poisoning and her lover, the mansion's owner,
hangs himself in grief.  In the present, Eddie Murphy smears a false smile
across his fact to assure clients that he wants them to be happy for "Evers
and Evers."  We learn his son's terrified of spiders and his daughter is
fearless because that information will prove useful later.

As soon as the Evers clan reaches the mansion (a padlocked gate
mysteriously opens), a thunderstorm of immense proportion unleashes.
Ramsley (Terrance Stamp, "The Limey"), the butler, appears out of the
shadows to announce that he'll have to set additional places for dinner
(only Sara's services had been requested).  Of course, Sara is the spitting
image of the dead master's beloved and the family is quickly separated so
that dead owner Edward Gracey (Nathaniel Parker, "Squanto: A Warrior's
Tale") can break the mansion's curse by marrying her once she's joined him
in the spirit world.

There are a few pleasures to be had in "The Haunted Mansion," but most of
them are the recognition of decades old signatures of the theme park ride.
Statuary heads on pedestals turn and paintings change as Jim walks down the
hall.  A frustrating fortune teller, Madame Leota (Jennifer Tilly, "The
Cat's Meow") is a disembodied head floating in a crystal ball.  Musical
instruments fly about the room, creating a nice surround sound effect and a
statuary barbershop quartet in the mansion's cemetery are amusing.  In
general, the production design (John Myhre, "Chicago"), at least in the
mansion's interiors (exterior and crypt work is far more artificial), is
rich, sets decorated with armor, animal horns, Venus flytraps under glass
and wooden panels and moldings.

With the exception of Stamp, the cast is average to inadequate.  Eddie
Murphy's only successful schtick is that fake realtor's leer and he plays
that card once too often.  Otherwise he's like one of those character
actors in a Three Stooges haunted house short that run around screaming
with their eyes popping out.  Thomason is a very pretty woman but she can't
act. The kids and Parker are OK.  Wallace Shawn ("The Princess Bride") is
as disappointing as Murphy, bringing nothing to the party.  Terrance Stamp
dredges up obscenely rounded tones to make announcements like 'The storm
has swollen the river.' which are a hoot, but even he seems to tire of the
film well before its over.

Director Rob Minkoff ("Stuart Little") churns out this increasingly numbing
affair with less life than the mansion's denizens.  The whole thing ends up
with a pit of hell, ghostly wedding and heavenly ascent that owe much to
Cocteau's "Beauty and the Beast" (as does the attraction itself) but are
mostly R.I.P.P.ed off from "Beetlejuice."

D+

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X-RT-RatingText: D+