[BH][FanFic] Something I Can't Have

"Something I Can't Have"
        by Sara Jaye

        Yes, another angsty Carrot fic that "was in my head, so I just had 
to write". ^_^;;; Ah, well. I'm rather proud of it anyway, and I like that 
Tira and Chocolat and the others were kinda in this even though I didn't 
really INTEND em to be. ^_^ This is extremely angsty, though, it's got 
homosexual incest. One-sided homosexual incest, but homosexual incest 
nonetheless. Don't say I didn't warn ya. XD

[Sorcerer Hunters belongs to Satoru Akahori, I'm just borrowing the 
characters for a while. This is an angsty yaoi fic with incestual 
overtones, so if you're bothered by that, don't read any further.]

                                ~

I guess you could say I'm your average guy. I like to hang out with my 
friends, I hate getting up early in the morning, I'd rather chase girls 
than work, I get the munchies a lot, people get annoyed with my being a 
slacker...yeah, you could say I'm your average guy.

But I'm not, really. For two reasons. One, I've got the God of Destruction 
lurking inside me, and I turn into a scary beast monster when hit with 
sorcerers' magic. Not every guy can do that.

The second thing?

Not even the LEAST average guy has feelings for...his BROTHER.

Yeah, you heard me. I'm lusting after my own brother, my own flesh and 
blood. Well, maybe not lusting after, but still...these feelings are way 
more than brotherly affection and that's just wrong, right? Sick, 
disgusting, immoral, call the men in white coats and have me locked up in 
a padded cell kinda wrong.

But I can't help it. I mean...how could I NOT love Marron? Out of everyone 
we work with, he's the only one who's like, NEVER given up on me. He's 
always there for me, protecting me in battles, giving me the benefit of a 
doubt when I'm being an idiot, worrying about me when I wake up screaming 
from a nightmare, taking care of me when I'm sick...seeing those gentle 
golden eyes and hearing that warm, deep voice always puts me at ease no 
matter how I'm feeling.

Marron loves me. He's told me he loves me on many occasions, and it shows.

But only as a brother.

He couldn't love me as more than that...as a best friend, a confidante, 
maybe...but not the way I love him. Not in the romantic, passionate, 
Oh-God-hold-me-against-the-bed-and-take-me-with-reckless-abandon way...

Yes, I have THOSE thoughts. With a brother as beautiful as Marron, it's 
impossible not to! Who WOULDN'T want those arms wrapped around them, to 
run their fingers through that long raven hair, feel that soft skin 
pressed against theirs?

I can't blame Gateau for being so crazy about Marron.

I hate him for it, though. He wants the same person I want, and he's got a 
better chance of getting him. It's not fair. He's taller, more attractive 
than me, more powerful, girls fall all over themselves to stare at him.

Now he's probably gonna get Marron. I dunno what Marron's feelings about 
him are, but I wouldn't be surprised if he DID fall for Gateau...all 
sexual tension aside, they're pretty good friends, and Gateau IS really 
kind to him.

It's not fair.

I look over to where Marron is right now. He's talking with Gateau, and he 
looks so...relaxed, like he's either really into the conversation or just 
enjoying Gateau's company.

They're getting closer lately...what if Marron did end up falling for 
Gateau?

I shake my head, not wanting to think about it, but it won't leave my 
mind. If Marron and Gateau get together...what about me?! I'll have to put 
up with Gateau's stupid displays of affection, see Marron smiling and 
blushing at them...oh GOD, why doesn't he look at ME the way he'd look at 
Gateau if that ever happened?! Why can't it be me?!

Easy. Because I'm his brother. That's all I can ever be, whether I like it 
or not. Marron can never be mine and mine alone.

It's not like I'd be all alone forever if that happened, of course. 
Chocolat and Tira love me, and I COULD settle down with them and have a 
nice, normal relationship.

But it just wouldn't be the same. No one could ever replace Marron; no 
feelings could ever replace the ones I have for Marron.

I feel a sting in my eyes. Great, now I'm gonna start crying. God hates 
me, and he must be laughing his ass off watching me suffer right now. Damn 
it! This isn't FAIR!

"Darling?"

I whip my head around. Chocolat's standing there, and looking a bit 
concerned.

"Darling, are you feeling all right? You've been out of it all evening," 
she says. I force a smile. Can't tell her what I was thinking. She and 
Tira beat me to death for LOOKING at other girls, if they knew what was in 
my head right now...

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lie. "Just feeling kind of tired."

"Carrot?" Tira walks over to her sister and I, carrying a bundle of 
sticks. "Oneesama, this is all I could find for now," she says.

"It's all right, if we need any more we'll ask Gateau to cut some for us," 
Chocolat says.

"Oh, you guys are building a fire already?" I look up. The sky is dark, 
the last traces of the sunset fading away. "I didn't notice it was getting 
that late," I say. Tira raises an eyebrow.

"Carrot, is something wrong? You're usually more observant than THIS," she 
says.

"I'm just tired, I guess." I fake a yawn, getting up and stretching. Maybe 
I should go back and get into bed. Sleep might take my mind off 
everything, even if only temporarily.

"If you're sure...but if something's bothering you, please let one of us
 know," Tira says softly. "We don't want you to suffer in silence, 
Carrot."

"We love you, Darling," Chocolat adds as her and Tira's arms wrap gently 
around me. I can't help smiling...they feel so warm! Maybe...maybe I CAN 
love them. Yeah...after all, even if it isn't in a romantic way, Marron 
DOES love me a hell of a lot, why should his having a boyfriend ever 
change that? Maybe I'm just being insecure.

I tell myself this over and over as I walk back to camp with Tira and 
Chocolat. And for a moment, it even seems to be working.

Then I see Marron with Gateau again, and my resolve crumbles.

Who am I kidding?! Marron, I love you, I NEED you, I can't handle the 
idea of you going off with someone else! I want you all to myself, damn 
it! I'm tired of pining after you, I'm tired of worrying about you running 
off with Gateau! I'm tired of lying to everyone. I'm tired of seeing how 
much the Misu sisters care about me, and not being able to love them the 
way they love me...

Unable to take it anymore, I grab my stuff and move several feet away from 
the others. I can't look at him without my heart twisting, I can't look at 
Gateau without feeling a surge of anger, I can't look at the Misu sisters 
without feeling intense guilt. Pulling the blanket over my head, I bury my 
face in the pillow as my tears spill over.

I love Marron, so much it almost hurt physically. He means more to me than 
my life. I want to be his one and only, his special person.

But I can't have that.

Of course he loves me. I'm his treasured big brother. The one he'll ALWAYS 
love no matter who he ends up with. Shouldn't that be enough?

It should. But it isn't.

It's never enough.

                                ~End~

        Wow, that's three angsty SH fics in a row. ^_^;; Not that I don't 
enjoy writing em, cause I do...I just feel kinda guilty cause I haven't 
finished any of the other short stories in progress I'm working on, and 
haven't written an FY fic in ages. ^_^;;; Ah, well. I'm getting my writing 
streak back slowly, so maybe I'll get around to those soon! ^_^

-- 
Sara Jaye