[BH][FanFic] The Darkness Within

"The Darkness Within"
        by Sara Jaye

        This is another random, spur-of-the-moment piece. I was kind of 
thinking about how he was so laid back and crazy and stuff yet at the same 
time had this evil demon sleeping within him, and suddenly I was inspired 
to write this. ^_^ It's pretty angsty, maybe a little more than I meant it 
to be...^_^;; Ah, well.

[Sorcerer Hunters belongs to Satoru Akahori, I'm just borrowing the 
characters for a while. This story is EXTREMELY angsty and might be a bit 
of a downer. Consider yourself warned.]

                                ~

I know I'm loud, stupid, a bumbler, a pervert...and that's all anyone sees 
me as. I'm nothing special, I don't even have any cool powers. I'm just 
Carrot Glacé, some ordinary idiot with an important job I'm not sure WHY I 
have.

And at the same time, I KNOW I'm not so ordinary. I know why I have this 
job, why I'm the so-called "leader" of this team.

The other members of the team...they know about it, but they're only 
familiar with the small doses of it, whenever I'm hit with a sorcerer's 
magic. I'm transformed into a freaky beast, and then I have to be whipped 
into submission like a rabid dog. So much for my dignity.

But there's no way I can even try to use my full powers. If I did...I'd 
end up destroying everyone and everything. See...inside this ordinary 
teenage body sleeps the most dangerous force known to man, something that 
can never be unleashed if we want to live to see another day.

That something is Hakaishin. The God of Destruction.

That's my dark secret. What hides under my sexual insanity, my stupid 
comments, my bumbling.

So I CAN'T be myself. I can't show anyone the real me. But I'm sick of 
them only seeing what's on the outside! So I'm always frustrated.

They don't understand. Gateau picks on me, the Misu sisters throw 
themselves at me or scream at me for so much as LOOKING at another girl...
nobody else takes me very seriously...

The only one I can really count on is Marron.

Marron...he's always been there for me, and I know he loves me more than 
anyone.

So much he'd gladly give his life for me if needed. He's always protecting 
me in battles and even gets hurt sometimes because of it. It's never 
anything serious, just a scratch here or there. But I hate it, I hate 
seeing him in danger for my sake!

It's not that I don't appreciate it, but...what if one of these days, he 
really DOES end up giving up his life? Marron might die...and where will 
that leave me?

I'd never forgive myself if Marron died because of me. No, not just 
Marron...if ANY of them died on my behalf. I know Chocolat and Tira are 
all crazy about me...and deep down, Gateau probably does care for me more 
than he lets on...and Marron...

I feel so useless...the only way I can protect them is by turning into my 
beast-form, but that's dangerous...that's just a small side effect of 
being the God of Destruction. Every time I have to use that forbidden 
power, I put everyone at risk. One of these days, a sorcerer's magic just 
may be strong enough...I won't just turn into a beast, I'll actually 
become the God of Destruction. And when that does happen, not even Tira 
and Chocolat's strongest beatings will be able to save me, or one of 
Marron's strongest magic spells.

That day is going to come. I just know it is.

Why me?

Why did I have to be cursed like this?

I just wanted to be a normal teenager and hang out with my friends, go out 
on dates, kick back and relax, just LIVE! I want that, not just for 
myself, but for Marron, for Tira and Chocolat and Gateau. I just want us 
to LIVE without worrying whether we'll live to see another day!

But we can't have that. Not while this darkness lurks within me.

I hate being pegged as just another idiot. I want people to see me for who 
I am...but I can't. Not when the real me is a dangerous monster who can 
and will destroy everything in its path. So I'm trapped.

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of feeling so hopeless all the time...well, 
maybe not all the time. I'm generally a positive guy, I try to be laid 
back and smile a lot...but whenever I start feeling like this, it just 
won't stop. The pain, the frustration, the tears...I just want them all to 
stop, I want this feeling to go away! I hate this, I hate feeling so 
broken, so hopeless...

So alone.

I want someone...someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be 
okay, that I'm a good person, that I'm not alone...

That they love me, and they'll always be here for me.

God, I'm so tired of this. I just want it to stop hurting...

When will it end?

Who will save me from myself?

                                ~End~

        ANGST! @_@ Poor Carrot, he really deserved better than that. But 
this was in my head, so...I had to write it. I debated making it 
Glacecesty, but it didn't end up working that way...oh, well. ^_^;;; I'm 
happy I actually WROTE something, I've been so lazy! Just last night and 
this morning I actually got back to work on Crash and Burn (AU/Anime 
Future Timeline epic in progress), which I am UTTERLY HAPPY ABOUT! XD So 
maybe my writing will pick up within the next week or so. ^_^
-- 
Sara Jaye