BodyFlex Lawsuit

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          On Monday of this week 1010 WINS, our all-news AM radio station
here in NY (whose listenership is 99% drivers who haven't yet grokked that
1010 WINS basically invents their utterly useless traffic reports) had a
newsbite that the FTC is suing BodyFlex for false advertising. Armegeddon,
anyone??
           BodyFlex is Greer Childer's second brain-dead brain child, where
she claims that through breathing techniques ("""increased oxygen""") you
can burn all the fat in the world and lose 14 inches in xx weeks.  This in
and of itself was her first brain-dead brain child, Oxycising.
         The Gummint disputes the claims, and rightfully so, but apparently
has no one on staff who took Health 101, to also apprise them that this
violates pretty much every law in chemistry, biochemistry, and physiology.
But this is but a minor detail, I'm sure.
          BodyFlex adds a useless plastic curling bar attached with useless
rubberbands, with a semi-inventive strategy of wrapping the bands around the
bar, thereby shortening them and increasing the tension.  If a rubber-banded
curling bar wasn't already so useless to begin with, this might coulda been
a useful strategy.
          At any rate, the US gummint, which basically doesn't give a
goddammed about anyone except is own liquored-up legislature and their
outrageous pensions, apparently saw deep enough pockets in the BodyFlex
peeple to go after them.  Read:  they were selling boucou BodyFlexi.
          What is sort of strange about this is that they didn't pursue
Childers' first and worser folly, Oxycising.  It was my assumption that she
*added* this useless curling bar to in fact keep out of legal trouble with
her Oxycising fraud, just as Tony Little et al saw it necessary to add
"resistance pistons" to his utterly useless first gen Gazelle, so that now
it is only near-utterly useless (and thus with much greater legal
impunity)--opinions of satisfied customers on e-opinions.com
notwithstanding--and that of our own venerealated Bob Cardone, who is
shameless and oblivious enough to swear by the Gazelle rahcheer on these
very NGs.
        Perhaps Oxycising simply hadn't achieved the deep pockets that
BodyFlex had.
       What is additionally interesting is that our Gummint sees fit <g> NOT
to go after all these *other* mis-infomercial charlatans, including Winsor
Pilates, Hogan's Body Dome, Leslie Sansone's walking away the pounds (and
abs!!), and all this utterly utterly useless ab crap.  On many of these
mis-infomercials, they flash (in teeny print of course) the disclaimer that
the testimonials are of extraordinary results, which you are not likely to
achieve.  Ie, they are telling you outright that the product dudn't work!
Not to mention that the testimonials themselves are total bull.
         Greer Childers herself is not bad looking at all--of course the
camera diffusion like what they use on Barbara Walters helps enormously--if
you are into whitegirl-wishbone-thigh syndrome, which I guess is what they
are now calling ""long lean muscle.""  The danskins help also.  It shocked
and amazed me, when after watching a Tami Lee Webb video that I happen to
have (have no idea how I got it, but it has great soft porn value, so I keep
it), I realized Tami is wearing flesh-toned tights!!!  So much for the value
of Webb aerobics.
          And, whuzzup with Mari Winsor's flabby under-arms?  And Leslie
Sansone's saddlebags?? I guess they lernt good from Tony Little (see below)
          But Childers is indeed one of the great pitchwomen of this genre.
Notably, she carries off her scam single-handledly, with no hosts, guests,
nada--a very skillful solo act.  Hopefully this talent will help her in
jail.
        Anyway, thought it was all pretty precious.  Remember tho, that Tony
Little is the all-time Great American Fisherman, since he discovered 1) that
the American Pubic (c)(tm) is the largest school of fish on earth to live in
a barrel, and 2) the utility of shotguns. But best of all the great T.L.
sold about 4 billion Ab Isolators without having nary an ab on his pudgy
little body (c)(tm). *Dat* is greatness.
         Thus, He is my hero.  Well actually, Garrison is my real hero, and
living proof that monkeys *could* type if they wanted to. But that they
can't handle top posting--go figger.
        Note, however, that part of Caaaallllll m'now psychic Sister Cleo's
settlement with the FTC was something like a $5-50 million fine, and the
forgiving of $500 million (yesss, a five plus two zeroes million!!!) in
phone charges--which perhaps just hints at the un-forgiven <g> phone
charges.
         And, which perhaps pales, in adjusted-dollar comparison, to the
decade long hustle of Dionne Warwick, who also got sued, I think. Who also
match-made Bobby Brown and Whitney--psychic indeed to know that Whitney
would need her own live-in drug dealer.
         But, what makes Mr. Little great is that he has yet to be
prosecuted!

         Which all suggests a bit of a conspiracy, to wit:
          Hogg's Conspiracy Theory:
        I believe the FTC could step in a lot earlier than it does, but it
times its actions to maximize its fine-levying ability.  Which is so slick:
While the American Pubic (c)(tm) is being bilked out of perhaps $billions at
a time, the FTC waits 'til it can levy millions in fines, which do *not* go
back to the American Pubic (c)(tm) but rather to its own coffers.
         So in a very real and large sense, do-badders in fact fund various
arms of our Gummint. To shut them all down at once, and once and for all,
would be killing the goose that lays their very golden/green eggs.

         Which is in part why I love America: Corruption wit' class.
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Kristofer Hogg, ms, rd
HoloBarre Systems